Emotional Roller Coasters

    Life .... what is normal? I saw a cute saying the other day .... "Someone called me normal the other day, ... I was deeply insulted! "  It tickled my funny bone and I laughed but .... BEING NORMAL?  I am not sure what that is? ....
    Yesterday I was so depressed and weighted down with heavy burdens and decision making .... I wasn't sure whether I was coming or going. I am in process of "altering some lives of some people" Dictates of my job and my home have forced me into positions that left no alternatives. My job as an apartment manager is one of the most rewarding jobs I have ever had! Renting apartments gives you opportunity to meet a lot of very interesting people, some really wonderful people and some who become terrific tenants then there is always those who don't fit any of those categories .... if you know what I mean!! We are a partially subsidized housing unit and when I can inform a tenant that they have been assigned assistance, and I am aware of the household income and I know the relief that the assistance will provide the household, it is a very rewarding experience. On the other hand when a household is unable to pay rent, sometimes I sit and cry with them when we come to the conclusion they must move. ..... And yes to be really honest there are those whose "moving" can bring much needed relief to the community and joy to the management office. ........... Then there is the home front .... this I can personalize ..... I became aware several weeks ago that Ms. D who lives with me had agreed in court to take custody of her 17 yr old daughter. This was after lengthy discussions between us where she said she didn't want custody and had no idea what she'd do if ask, she said she couldn't handle her 17 year old and wasn't emotionally stable enough to take on another child. I agreed with her and I felt we are already packed in and adding another adult size body to the mix who had in times past been an emotional roller coaster to be around and had become aggressively dangerous in the past, was too much. (Note** Missy K has grown up considerably BUT ..... leopards don't change their spots that easily they just learn to hide in taller grass ..... translation is: She seems a lot more "happy, peaceful ... etc .... etc .... BUT there were a few things that disturbed me still and I couldn't quite put my finger on it .... ) I had to be the bad guy and vehemently say NO ... NO .... NO!!! ..... to her living at our house. I spent the evening having accusing eyes staring holes into me ..... not the most pleasant feeling in your own home.
   This morning I awoke so heavy feeling and weighted down with yesterdays decisions I barely could function. This HUGH BLACK CLOUD HOVERD OVER ME ....  and .... it was gloomy and dark and rainy too ..... double black clouds .... emotional & natural. Headed to work and began to complain to God! .... Then I heard (rather felt this deep impression) to start to be thankful for everything ....... SAY WHAT?? THANKFUL FOR WHAT???  ..... Ok .... another deep impression came over me  this time encouraging me to just start where I was at ...... Alright!! you want me to start where I am at???   Here it is ..... Thank you for the lousy mess I am facing ... Thank You for the heavy burdens that are piled on my shoulders, thank your for the this family that has caused me so much grief, Thank You for the this job that right now is a hugh pain as I have to deal with all these problems!! .......... All of a sudden ..... YEP!! SUDDENLY ..... this emotional ray of light began strongly impressing through me and swirling around me ..... as I continued along these lines of being thankful I began to really mean it in a TRUTHFUL SENSE and not just sarcastically. By the time I reached work I was finding real things to be thankful for. My misery, weights and pain had turned into joy, peace and calm. What came through originally that I had rejected was I needed to Praise ..... but I couldn't handle that word ..... BUT I COULD IDENTIFY WITH BEING THANKFUL ..... even if it was originally sarcastic, what was important was i was honest and I obeyed the "IMPRESSION" ...... Then I let God deal with the rest! ....... This was the best part of the roller coaster ride I had between the two days.

What a day!?

   September 9th 2013 .....  It's MONDAY!! ..... and Oohhh ... what a day! .... awoke with a migraine ...... barely shook it and was out the door for work. Arrived to my office to find people issues! bickering and fighting, troubles troubles and more troubles. Yep it's Monday. LOTS of DECISIONS to make. A friend of mine  whom I met about two years ago, had spent some time incarcerated. They moved about 50 miles away and we stay in touch via phone calls here and there. I had agreed to mentor them for group counseling sessions they are required to attend ..... I was approved earlier this year for the "post" I was a nerved up wreck all weekend at the thought of facing a group of unknown people because we all have to "say" things ..... and I knew I'd snap if required to "preform this requirement" at the meetingI ask my Hubby to use him as an excuse to not go ...... he said nothing doing! If I don't want to go I need to just tell my friend! .... easier said then done but I did it and felt better immediately .... #1) I was honest and told them I didn't want to go! #2) They responded back it was OK! .....
 

Who am I?

       Who am I? ...... Lately the decision making has escalated  ...... at home and at work. More major decisions in a weeks time then I want to deal with in this century! I wear many hats, Wife, mother, Grandmother, caregiver, babysitter, counselor, friend, "enemy", nursemaid, mechanic, Ms. Fix It, Decorator, Clutter Buster, ....... ,and lately I have had to make some heavy decisions that could, may and will alter other human being's lives. Decisions I am sick about having to make but never the less I am the one where the decision(s) have fallen to me and I have to make them. Somewhere in the recesses of my mind I hear this accusing little voice saying "your playing "god" with these lives ..... yet .... I have been placed in a position where I have been given, designated, and required to make these heart wrenching decisions, despite my unwillingness to make them.
      Without disclosing any information that could breach protocol ..... as an apartment manager there are rules and regulations I am required to follow, uphold and enforce. Eviction is one of those rules I cringe and feel so awful when I have to make the call to evict someone. Being honest here ..... Yep there are some who a HUGH SIGH of RELIEF is heaved when some tenant's move ....... but on a whole it is still a very difficult thing for me.  ...... Then add "home" where we have taken in a family of 5 which has turned to 6 much to my protests and objections. I feel like a worm, and a horrid person for saying NO! ......
       Our Family of 5 ..... has a 17 year old girl with us now .... she belongs to the Momma of this group. ...... When Social Services placed her in her mother's custody several weeks ago .... I had told the mother NO!! ..... we can't do this!! BUT in the complicated mess it is .... the mother brought her in anyway .... and has been clinging to this child major big time every since. I felt maybe we would try with an open mind for 2 weeks ...... 
      The 2 weeks are about up. ..... I personally really like this girl. BUT ..... I am hearing more then seeing some side effects ...... The 3 & 4 year old are saying things they shouldn't be saying .... the 13 year old says it is from the 17 year old ..... I can't prove any different. Daddy (Mr.S) is stressed out ..... way beyond what he should be because he now has a 6th person to support ..... (she smokes and has some court fines to pay) and he's paying for them, for her ...... There will be "chaos to pay" after this all comes to a head .... which it will shortly in a few days ...... I am wondering where I will be mentally in the fall out of all this? Who will I be when this is all said and done?

Those Extra Distance People ....

    I use to look at people who went beyond for others that extra distance, who gave all for one, who seemed extraordinary in their actions and reactions as "SAINTS" ...... then to have them screw up and fall off their pedestal ..... As I am traveling this journey with my Family of 5 and now 6 WHO I CALL MY BLESSINGS OF 5 (AND NOW WE HAVE ADDED A 6TH CHILD TO THE MIX ..... ) I am learning to walk, crawl & climb VERY SLOW through this labyrinth and maze of sharp turns, steep grades and sheer cliff mountain sides. I am learning that to do this I MUST HAVE A GUIDE! my choice of guide is the HOLY SPIRIT! ......
    Last night I became aware that Mr. S who rumors have had it, is not using indiscretion when it comes to friends .... especially the female kind. And there was and is rumors and sadly a lot of facts of certain rendezvouses with a certain lady of ill repute ..... and I will leave it at that ....... I am not happy with him!! This morning I was still not feeling kindly towards him. I had ordered a phone for him on our cell phone family plan and he is using my vehicle for the weekend for his job ..... AND ..... I have ask our church to help him fix his vehicle, because I have no one else to turn to. So it's not no one is trying to help him .......
     I was to say the least blistering with heated words to pour out all over him!  ...... ANGRY, UNMERCIFUL, UNKIND WORDS!!!  ...... I paced the house trying to busy myself to work off some anger for what he is doing to his family and the horrid choices he is making ....... When I heard the Holy Spirit say "NOW!" ..... i simply said OK! ..... walked into their room and ask if anyone was hungry .... and if anyone wanted some waffles .... I had no idea what I was going to say I just obeyed and opened the door ..... Mr. S wanted waffles! I went to the kitchen and started to make him some. I felt more then heard overpowering love pour over me for this "adopted son" of mine. I called hm to come and get them .... I had buttered them and put syrup on them for him, I ask that he sit at the table and eat ..... and we were going to have a "little chat" I sat down at the table ...... no idea what to say ..... except I knew I needed to say it in love ...... Here is what the Holy Spirit laid on my heart.  I told him I did not fix those waffles for him because of anything special he did, said or any special actions he chose ..... I did it simply because I love him because he is my son!  Like wise God sent His son to die for our sins .... not because we were anything special, not because we did anything to deserve it ...... just because He loves us as we are. Just because God loves us with all our imperfections. Further more God loves Mr. S despite all his bad choices and imperfections  ..... I made him aware I am WELL AWARE OF HIS INDISCRETIONS!!  ...... 
     Was I being a "Saint?" NO!! what I did was be obedient and listen to the promptings of the Holy Spirit as He lead me in this tough situation. .... Am I human? will I make mistakes?  absolutely! Will others judge me for my mistakes? You can count on it! ..... One of the issues with placing others on  pedestals it takes a lot of work to lift them up there, then it takes constant watching to see if they fall off.
Don't place others on pedestals ..... place them in your prayers instead. They sometimes need it more when they have to deal with difficult situations.

The Poor are Always with Us

   The frequent bombardment of "upsets" combined with my job factor is beginning to wear on me. I come back to the "race" factor .... I prefer to "SPRINT" ...... but I have been placed in a "MARATHON" ...... yesterday required a lot of prayer ..... that consisted of mainly one word "HELP!!!" ..... I am so thankful that  God heard me ..... because my reactions to the mess that was presented me last evening even amazed me .... it would NOT HAVE BEEN MY CHOICE if I had been thinking ..... After the retort from Ms. D about Pixie going into the hospital to see Missy L and Miss K's dad ( see post: re: "Little Lies ...... )
    #1) I went back to my office and stayed for about a 1/2 hour. Then I came out and offered to take
          Bubby who is 3 into my office to watch .... he was asleep in his car seat. Carried him in car seat
          and all ..... HEAVY ..... but I did it. I let her go to hospital alone in case she needed to stay there
          with girls .....
#2) She arrived back about 8PM .... The babies hadn't ate yet ..... Ms. D started rambling on about the
       mess in the kitchen ..... and needing to fix supper when she got home.  I decided to take them all
       to McDonalds for a quick bite to eat. Despite her treatment of me earlier I did not mention or bring
       up her actions!
At this point their caseworker is involved in this particular situation ..... I had called her and spoken to her about Ms D's actions at the time they occured ..... she ask me to please hold together until the next day ..... which is today and we would have a meeting.  
      I am looking into the future ..... I can not and do not want to think on where they will be a year from now .... Without outside intervention pushing them and containing them into a course of action, they will be exactly nowhere! ...... That is where they have been for 5 years now ...... and sadly that is where Mr. S has been for 25 years ..... extensive drug use ( pot was his choice) has robbed him of all motivation. Now due to Social Services intervention and drug testing neither him nor Ms. D can partake of it! ........
     The Poor will always be with us ..... These people are not only poor finanically, but almost depleted mentally, emotionally,  in the "good choice making department". Can they truly be salvaged? Ms. D came out of a relationship with Miss K and Missy L's father (these girls were raised in this atmosphere ..... ) his drug useage and mentality cost his mother her life ..... ! sucked dry by years of inconsiderate actions, no job no motivation except the next round of drugs and where to get them and how ..... open drug usage by the man who is only 42 and now dying.  Ms. D hasn't gone too far from this type of living ...... Mr.S has sunk pretty close to this mentality himself. Except I know where he came from and
I still have a glimmer of hope! ...... and Ms. D on her better days is fighting and struggling to pull herself up and out of the mentality ..... she is making it by nanoinches and centimeter's ...... I still have HOPE! Then I see the future of the 3 kids who live here and see HOPE for them with intervention and direction. Yet the pathway is steep at best and full of "Suddenly's and Unexpected moments, dangers and stressful situations ...... my strength and determination are not my own ..... my own left long ago !!

Little Lies, Twisted Truths and a Labyrinth

      Little lies and twisted truths seem to be the way to temporarily handle a lot of situations .... Sometimes people may feel justified when they "let slip" casual uncensored conversations ..... when they are stressed, when they are angry, when they are feeling less then kind .... when they think they can rattle someone, hurt someone, or just plain don't care. But the real truth is, every lie that is laid down as the "truth" becomes the foundation for more lies to be built on. A lie is like laying a foundation of crooked bricks, soon you have the "Leaning Tower of Twisted Truths" The taller it gets the more it leans until sooner or later some poor unsuspecting soul has it fall on them. ..... For the hearers it is a Labyrinth of twisted hedges and switch back paths that must be negotiated and traveled on .... Never knowing which way is for real or a false lead. Some paths may lead to nowhere except making you look like and utter fool, other paths are strewn with sharp edged tongues of hate and malice that reach out to destroy unsuspecting hearts that are in their pathway. Then there is those paths where pits of doom and gloom await the innocent traveler to fall into a trap of those who feel Lies and Twisted Truths are Ok to roll off their lips ..........
     A child who has been raised to believe someone is their "Daddy or Mommy" only to find out they really aren't when Mommy and Daddy's relationship fall apart.  Another child is told "the boogie man" will get you or wait until "So & So gets you they will "hurt you" (when in fact "So & So" is the most kindest loving person they know") another twisted truth is " If you don't stop I'll break your arm or your leg or your neck .... " "Hello out there is anyone listening?" Does anyone care? ......
     My Family of 5 has very impromptu become a family of 6 despite my admonition to Ms. D "NOT TO ACCEPT CUSTODY OF HER 17 YR OLD DAUGHTER!" ...... Daughter, lived with her Dad.
Dad is totally bedridden and as of today @ 6:50PM may not live through tomorrow ....... he is 42 years old!  ..... Before you judge me ...... This "woman child" is bipolar and has lived at my home in the past and caused all kinds of havoc with her choice of words ....  while she lived there with her mom Ms D. ( and yes I have forgiven her BUT .... I can not and do not want any more drama then I already have to deal with daily now as it is ) .... her 13 year old sister who currently lives with us, is manic depressive, has Explosive Anger syndrome, AND IS ALSO BIPOLAR .... Not to mention Ms. D who is bipolar, manic depressive, and very possible schizophrenic ( in therapy for a diagnosis currently I am told ...... Hummmm??? )  ( long family history in Ms. D's family of  schizophrenia ..... her Mom, aunts and some of her siblings) ...... I have some major concerns!!!  These 3 females are or HAVE BEEN all in counseling and therapy BUT ..... it is not a calm peaceful place 80% of the time. UNLESS I HIBERNATE IN THE COMPUTER ROOM.  
     HERE IS THEIR DAD SITUATION .... His mom died a year ago this month ..... he mourned her, crawled into bed and never got out!! ...... Bedsores developed, turned into a serious infection, he lost some major body parts is now paralyzed from the loss and the wounds never healed!!  ...... 
     The 13 and 17 year old are dealing with some serious issues ..... I can't change for them! ...... Little Lies and Twisted Truths have laid a foundation for the "Leaning Tower of Doom" that is going to come crashing down on them. Ms. D often can't deal with the truth and says things ........ that are well ......  not the truth to her kids ...... Specifically just about an hour ago .... she pulled in with my vehicle ..... I ask her where the girls were ..... referring to the "Missy L" the 13 yr old, the 17 year old who I will call "Miss K" AND Pixie who is 4. (Pixie belongs to my "kid") Ms. D informed me very sarcastically in tone the "girls" were visiting THEIR FATHER!!!!  ..... I "stupidly said "Pixie too?" Whew !!! the sparks flew, she informed me that PIXIE WAS HER CHILD AND SHE WOULD MAKE THAT DECISION!!! ...... I told her I felt it was a WRONG DECISION TO ALLOW PIXIE TO GO IN WITH THE OLDER GIRLS TO SEE THEIR FATHER .... !!!  ..........

Struggles and Suddenly's

      I picked the title "And Suddenly" for my blog because rarely does anything happen totally as planned. For every plan I make and try to follow through on, there are a "million" minuscule suddenly's waiting around every corner. I have a hubby who is involved in search & rescue; one group is strictly connected with Emergency Services, thus he can be called out for traffic accident's where they need help with traffic or crowd control, or natural disasters where they get to actually do search and rescue. Then he is involved with a search dog team where he can be called away to do searches with his dog & the team. Our life is often full of plans and those "suddenly's that get in our way ........ Then add our "Family of 5" or as I try to refer to them as our "Blessing of 5" who all have emotional wounds and scars and baggage that they carry around with them and at any given moment one of them can explode, implode, get frustrated, angry, over excited depressed and just blow up over what is seemingly nothing worth blowing up over in my mind.
    I use to get upset with my Dad and his sister, they were the most unemotional laid back unassuming people ..... nothing seemed to rattle them, and if it did they just seemed to let it roll off their back like water off a ducks back. I hated their calm ..... BUT SUDDENLY I am now walking in their shoes of unemotional and fairly calm. I think age helps ....although I still do have a few moments where I get volcanic ash all over everyone. Today I think, some of the calm is attributed to, too drained to get emotional! Long weekend. Our 13yr old who i am going to call Missy L  came bounding out to my vehicle Friday evening when I arrived home. It was 8PM .... I was exhausted, physically and mentally!
She wanted to ask me a question ...... I held up my hand in a STOP sign hand signal and ask her to give me a 1/2 hour.  She went into a total explosive melt down which ultimated in her running away again.
Her Mom called the police ..... again. shortly after the police arrived a neighbor from down the road pulled in and informed us she was at their house. ....... Saturday was much calmer ..... Then this morning (Sunday) @ 4AM ... Ms D and Mr SL decided to go to town ...... and fishing !!?? ..... I slept in late and was up by 8AM they were not here yet. By 9AM no one had arrived ..... @ 9:15AM the police pull in ..... and my heart goes into my throat. ..... they just had paperwork for Ms D, her 17 year old was recently removed from the father's custody and placed in a juvenile detention center. They were just notifying the mother. To make a long story short they arrived home about noon ..... they had fell asleep in the truck.  I was not happy and had to bite my tongue and PRAY!! ... and pray I did. For calmness, for wisdom, and for the right words that were not ANGRY, but kind, caring and instructive.
      Anger accompolishes nothing but creating words that hurt, belittle and make the other person often go on the defensive. Power packed words can reprimand with love, caring and a positive influence.