A SURRENDER DAY
... Wednesday May 2nd 2018 ..... Up at 6AM and not feeling well at all .... SIGH!! Battling anger not just a ho-hum anger but a deep burning rage anger ...... at myself .... Biblically it's called my flesh .... and I am enraged at myself for my lack of self control .... and my addiction to SUGAR ... it is not my friend by any means!! ... It is my absurd idiocy of thinking I can eat sweets like a 5 year old and not suffer the consequences ...... I have been in a PANDEMONIAC slide for days .... binge and get angry ... binge and get sick .... binge and feel depressed ..... YIKES!! .....
Woke up this morning and the battle was on ...... Then God stepped in ......no lightening bolt revelations, no fireworks, no burning bushes, just this tiny quiet still voice like a quiet babbling brook that is slowly trickling over the stones in an ancient stream. He held His hand out and without a word I knew it was time to hand IT ALL OVER TO HIM!! So the hand off began ..... Then He said hand over your coffee too and your chocolate ...... I muttered .... I sputtered I cough and gag .... I hesitated, but .. only for a split second ..... I knew this opportunity may never come my way again ..... you see God has tried to get me to hand over things in my life .... time and time again .... FEAR and PRIDE were my constant hinderances .... I knew I could handle this stuff ..... so on I went down my road of life ..... believing a lie from hell ...... THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES when you think you are better equipped then God to handle anything ... ANYTHING .... your life has to offer, anything that comes your way even those good or awesome things .... Without God in control "ME" as a imperfect faulty human being is going to screw up at some point something ..... So this Wednesday morning @ 6AM I just handed it all over to God ..... and then He did this amazing God thing that only God can do ..... He opened my eyes to some awesome truths .... I am not even sure if I can yet convey or express what I was shown ..... AND there was no trumpets blaring, no hands clapping, no thunder as I handed ALL over to Him .... just this deep sense of PEACE and quiet.
THE "ALL" HANDED OVER WALK ..... He showed me it isn't what the lies from hell make it out to be .... He showed me the truth .... It is first class protection 100% covered by God, totally under His wings .... Totally covered .... it is walking in PEACE and knowing God has my back .....
SOME TRUTHS IF YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD ..... #1) God already knows everything you do anyway ..... #2) he loves you more then you will ever conceive #3) He wants the BEST of everything for you .... Vs .... you settling for scraps and second best when you do it by yourself .... #4) He cares about even the tiniest molecule of a decision you need to make about the most insignificant things in your life #5) He wants to be a part of everything and involved in your life to the max #6) What He has I store for you and what you think He has in store for you is as different as a outhouse and a mansion!! #7) Letting go is an eye opener to truths that set you free #8) When you are truly free you are free indeed !!
Saturday, May 5, 2018
Suddenly Unexpected Crossroads and Emotions ... TWO
GOD - FREEWILL AND CONTROL ....
It's amazing how suddenly and unexpected things come at you and through twists and turns during your day. You head to what you expect to be an uneventful part of your day or evening in this case ... Midweek Bible Study ... our pastor is covering biblical history .... I love history so I am enjoying this particular study. Nothing monumental, nothing over exciting .... just covering history .... We are at the end of the evening study ..... and one of the elderly gentlemen that attend starts to ask questions ..... "what makes satan so mean?" .... "If God's in control why did satan rebel?" "Do you think satan can be saved?" ..... my brain is trying to wrap around these questions .... This isn't the first time he has ask these ... but I know if I answer he won't listen .... the first time I encountered these questions from him was about a year ago and I did try to answer and he ignored me as if I had never spoke ......
I came home that evening with the answer still burning in my brain and on my tongue ..... So I decided to send the answer to my pastor ..... so here's what I wrote ..... I wanted to respond to "Mr." but I didn't .... the answer to his question is FREEWILL. I believe God made every living creature with FREEWILL. (not to be confused with survival instincts blessed on all in the animal, bird, bug and fish realm) FREEWILL had to be given in order for God to stay true to His own nature & who He is. Difficult for us as finite conditional humans to grasp but nonetheless less we all have FREEWILL, angels and celestial beings included. Based simply on Genesis 1:26 and (of course lots of other stuff in the Bible too) and my personal relationship with Him ...... and yes ... God is in CONTROL but not in the sense us humans perceive and practice "CONTROL" .... it is totally connected to His perfect character & will and when God is in total CONTROL we only have a tiny fraction of a concept, compared to His infinite being and who He is. We try to shove, cram, and fit God into this tiny framed BOX of our thinking when He is unfathomable! .....hope this makes sense ..
It's amazing how suddenly and unexpected things come at you and through twists and turns during your day. You head to what you expect to be an uneventful part of your day or evening in this case ... Midweek Bible Study ... our pastor is covering biblical history .... I love history so I am enjoying this particular study. Nothing monumental, nothing over exciting .... just covering history .... We are at the end of the evening study ..... and one of the elderly gentlemen that attend starts to ask questions ..... "what makes satan so mean?" .... "If God's in control why did satan rebel?" "Do you think satan can be saved?" ..... my brain is trying to wrap around these questions .... This isn't the first time he has ask these ... but I know if I answer he won't listen .... the first time I encountered these questions from him was about a year ago and I did try to answer and he ignored me as if I had never spoke ......
I came home that evening with the answer still burning in my brain and on my tongue ..... So I decided to send the answer to my pastor ..... so here's what I wrote ..... I wanted to respond to "Mr." but I didn't .... the answer to his question is FREEWILL. I believe God made every living creature with FREEWILL. (not to be confused with survival instincts blessed on all in the animal, bird, bug and fish realm) FREEWILL had to be given in order for God to stay true to His own nature & who He is. Difficult for us as finite conditional humans to grasp but nonetheless less we all have FREEWILL, angels and celestial beings included. Based simply on Genesis 1:26 and (of course lots of other stuff in the Bible too) and my personal relationship with Him ...... and yes ... God is in CONTROL but not in the sense us humans perceive and practice "CONTROL" .... it is totally connected to His perfect character & will and when God is in total CONTROL we only have a tiny fraction of a concept, compared to His infinite being and who He is. We try to shove, cram, and fit God into this tiny framed BOX of our thinking when He is unfathomable! .....hope this makes sense ..
Suddenly Unexpected Crossroads and Emotions ..... One
A lot has been happening ..... compressed in a nut shell ..... emotions have changed, life's journeys have taken some unexpected turns, friendships and aquaintances have changed, the way I view life and things I do .... I guess the best way is to meander down the dusty trail called my life and shake off old dust and get on with my journey. .... The best place to always start is "RIGHT NOW" .... which is May 5th 2018 @3:16PM .... and today my rattler was : .... called my BF ... sharing with her my day, and that I would possibly be heading her way .... I had been doing a deep cleaning of my kitchen and area .... I also had made 2 loaves of Keto bread .... (my second attempt ... first attempt, made one loaf and it was ok ... I ate it, but it needed some tweaking .... ) This batch tastes pretty good .... anyway ... I was going to take a few slices to her for them to try ... But shared with her what I had accomplished while doing my deep cleaning .... I had threw away all my old flour ... between the old 100% wheat flour being being buggy and the corn meal being rancid .. from age & lack of use ... I just threw everything away except my new gluten free flour which I had purchased 2 weeks ago. And a small newer bag of flour I had bought a couple months ago and it had been in a container. .... Her "priceless response" ?? "gag gag Please don't bother bringing me over any of the bread you made the thought of you having buggy flour just made me gag!!! .... "say what?" (this was a thought and not a verbal expression") .... my verbal response was " I made the bread with new flour I just bought." she insisted she didn't want to try any bread from my house ..... OK ... SO HERE IS MY TAKE ON THIS WHOLE LITTLE SCENARIO ..... my thoughts erupted ... like wild fire .... EXCUSE ME!! DO THINK THINK I AM A BLOOMING IDIOT WHO USED BUGGY FLOUR AND RANCID FLOUR TO MAKE 2 LOAVES OF BREAD?? this bread is very very expensive to make!! each loaf probably costs me about $4.00 to $5.00 to make ..... (remember this is just my thoughts .... I was my polite self and said I needed to get going and hung up. That's her BIG ISSUE she thinks she is God's gift of intelligence to mankind and everyone is beneath her HIGH AND MIGHTY ENTITLED PRINCESS arrssss!!! (sorry about the "arrsss" word but can't think of anything else to use ..... ) she has treated her husband like he is a blooming idiot for years and just about everyone else too .... I have just been to ..... to ..... to much enjoying the benefit of her "delicacies" so to speak. ..... Ok I need to explain a bit here .... her place is beautiful .... she is a "Interior and Exterior" designer by heart and nature ... everything she touches she turns into an OASIS OF BEAUTY and a work of art. BUT SHE TREATS PEOPLE like they are stupid and she tolerates them and indulges them in her almighty presence and we should be grateful. THIS IS HORRIBLE!! I have stayed her friend because .... because .... because I needed someone to call my friend .... but I can not and will not @ 63 years of age any longer DO THIS ..... (oh and by the way .... then she adds "she thinks the growth inside her is some parasite she contracted from her cat that she had for years and years, that use to climb in her tub and drink water and she never washed the tub out with Clorox and now she has had some parasite crawl up into her body ..... SAY WHAT???? )
... my brain is overcome with the reality and truth about her ..... sigh!! and I am again feeling "down' to have to face this ..... this "K N O W" about her ..... to grasp a bit further .... she has sent her husband to the free food places to get food .... she refuses to go because it is beneath her dignity and her PRIDE to be seen in such a place!! SAY WHAT?? if you have a true need ..thats what it is there for!! ... ARRRGGHH!!!
... my brain is overcome with the reality and truth about her ..... sigh!! and I am again feeling "down' to have to face this ..... this "K N O W" about her ..... to grasp a bit further .... she has sent her husband to the free food places to get food .... she refuses to go because it is beneath her dignity and her PRIDE to be seen in such a place!! SAY WHAT?? if you have a true need ..thats what it is there for!! ... ARRRGGHH!!!
Overwhelmed to Overcomer Chapter Eight
OVERCOMING .... September 4th 2017
Been a long road of self delusions, hard headedness, stubborn pride, and just plain orneriness .... that has finally brought me to my senses .... so to speak .... Not exactly the road I would suggest to anyone .... a bit hard on myself ... YEP ... had to be!! but oh .. the lessons that have been learned, climbing this mountain of SELF .... facing the giants of MY Own BAD ATTITUDES .... again not a suggested way to travel .... BUT all I can say is GOD HAS BEEN SO GOOD TO ME!!
Today I sit in my almost finished space ... my own room, need another sheet of OSB board for my floor ...
... after thoughts that tie in with Chapter #7 ..... As Susie's Demtenia progresses we face what to do in this situation .... her rent is helping finance the second mortgage, and quite frankly my finances are not too bad but with the needs we have had .... her rent $$ has helped ... But we needed to combine our 2 mortgages and get some money for a leaking roof that is 25 years old .... and the insatllation of a "DISH" satillite with no CAULKING magnifed the leakage 10 fold with no recourse from DISH NETWORK!! When we changed satillite companies to HUGHES NETWORK they discovered this nasty gift DISH installers had given us ..... anyway .... went to the bank .... did a plethora of paperwork ..... when the Appraiser came .... SIGH ... he was bitten on the back by a spider in our backyard .... I felt sorry for him ... and to be honest I wasn't actually ready but I wanted to get this over with so .... IN he came .....
The bank denied us on my poor housekeeping .... yep .... I have to be honest ... I was physically and mentally exhausted from everything and did not have the energy to "clean up the junk look" Oh ... my laundry was done and the dishes were all clean, the floors were swept & mopped ... and things were straightened up .... but ... the clutter was here and there and every where .... and YES I WAS ANGRY!! how dare he judge on what's in my house ..... SIDE NOTE to add .... our riding lawn mower of about 10 years had just died and we had a push mower ..... (that was the original purpose of bringing in Missy "K" and letting her IDIOT visit ... keep the lawn mowed once a week for rent on the camper) .... That didn't last long .... and yes it was HOT & MUGGY OUT with high HUMIDITY!! .... So the weeds over-ran, the grass continued to grow and poison ivy continued to climb all over the place ... (Now, not only I am horribly allergic to it so is hubby) .... and we are wore out!!
So decisions, decisions, decisions ..... where is the money coming from to fix the roof ... ??
UPDATE MAY 5TH 2018 ......
the roof is fixed ..... the road to it being fixed was a journey of fine patient waiting and seeking.I began looking at different roofing companies and checking out if there was one that financed roofing .... I finally located one out of Louisville .... called Louisville Roofing ... the process was they came and talked to us, measured the roof, ask about gutters and we signed papers ..... On January 19th 2018 they came and did our roof .... a few minor events and details had to be worked out and I was concerned about the earliness of the season installing shingles .... BUT all in all I am hopeful that all will turn out Ok. ....
Been a long road of self delusions, hard headedness, stubborn pride, and just plain orneriness .... that has finally brought me to my senses .... so to speak .... Not exactly the road I would suggest to anyone .... a bit hard on myself ... YEP ... had to be!! but oh .. the lessons that have been learned, climbing this mountain of SELF .... facing the giants of MY Own BAD ATTITUDES .... again not a suggested way to travel .... BUT all I can say is GOD HAS BEEN SO GOOD TO ME!!
Today I sit in my almost finished space ... my own room, need another sheet of OSB board for my floor ...
... after thoughts that tie in with Chapter #7 ..... As Susie's Demtenia progresses we face what to do in this situation .... her rent is helping finance the second mortgage, and quite frankly my finances are not too bad but with the needs we have had .... her rent $$ has helped ... But we needed to combine our 2 mortgages and get some money for a leaking roof that is 25 years old .... and the insatllation of a "DISH" satillite with no CAULKING magnifed the leakage 10 fold with no recourse from DISH NETWORK!! When we changed satillite companies to HUGHES NETWORK they discovered this nasty gift DISH installers had given us ..... anyway .... went to the bank .... did a plethora of paperwork ..... when the Appraiser came .... SIGH ... he was bitten on the back by a spider in our backyard .... I felt sorry for him ... and to be honest I wasn't actually ready but I wanted to get this over with so .... IN he came .....
The bank denied us on my poor housekeeping .... yep .... I have to be honest ... I was physically and mentally exhausted from everything and did not have the energy to "clean up the junk look" Oh ... my laundry was done and the dishes were all clean, the floors were swept & mopped ... and things were straightened up .... but ... the clutter was here and there and every where .... and YES I WAS ANGRY!! how dare he judge on what's in my house ..... SIDE NOTE to add .... our riding lawn mower of about 10 years had just died and we had a push mower ..... (that was the original purpose of bringing in Missy "K" and letting her IDIOT visit ... keep the lawn mowed once a week for rent on the camper) .... That didn't last long .... and yes it was HOT & MUGGY OUT with high HUMIDITY!! .... So the weeds over-ran, the grass continued to grow and poison ivy continued to climb all over the place ... (Now, not only I am horribly allergic to it so is hubby) .... and we are wore out!!
So decisions, decisions, decisions ..... where is the money coming from to fix the roof ... ??
UPDATE MAY 5TH 2018 ......
the roof is fixed ..... the road to it being fixed was a journey of fine patient waiting and seeking.I began looking at different roofing companies and checking out if there was one that financed roofing .... I finally located one out of Louisville .... called Louisville Roofing ... the process was they came and talked to us, measured the roof, ask about gutters and we signed papers ..... On January 19th 2018 they came and did our roof .... a few minor events and details had to be worked out and I was concerned about the earliness of the season installing shingles .... BUT all in all I am hopeful that all will turn out Ok. ....
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