Suddenly Unexpected Crossroads and Emotions .... THREE

A SURRENDER DAY
 ... Wednesday May 2nd 2018 ..... Up at 6AM and not feeling well at all .... SIGH!! Battling anger not just a ho-hum anger but a deep burning rage anger ...... at myself .... Biblically it's called my flesh .... and I am enraged at myself for my lack of self control .... and my addiction to SUGAR ... it is not my friend by any means!! ... It is my absurd idiocy of thinking I can eat sweets like a 5 year old and not suffer the consequences ...... I have been in a PANDEMONIAC slide for days .... binge and get angry ... binge and get sick .... binge and feel depressed ..... YIKES!! .....
    Woke up this morning and the battle was on ...... Then God stepped in ......no lightening bolt revelations, no fireworks, no burning bushes, just this tiny quiet still voice like a quiet babbling brook that is slowly trickling over the stones in an ancient stream. He held His hand out and without a word I knew it was time to hand IT ALL OVER TO HIM!! So the hand off began ..... Then He said hand over your coffee too and your chocolate ...... I muttered .... I sputtered I cough and gag .... I hesitated, but .. only for a split second ..... I knew this opportunity may never come my way again ..... you see God has tried to get me to hand over things in my life .... time and time again .... FEAR and PRIDE were my constant hinderances .... I knew I could handle this stuff  ..... so on I went down my road of life ..... believing a lie from hell ...... THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES when you think you are better equipped then God to handle anything ... ANYTHING  .... your life has to offer, anything that comes your way even those good or awesome things .... Without God in control "ME" as a imperfect faulty human being is going to screw up at some point something ..... So this Wednesday morning @ 6AM I just handed it all over to God ..... and then He did this amazing God thing that only God can do ..... He opened my eyes to some awesome truths .... I am not even sure if I can yet convey or express what I was shown ..... AND there was no trumpets blaring, no hands clapping, no thunder as I handed ALL over to Him .... just this deep sense of PEACE and quiet.
     THE "ALL" HANDED OVER WALK ..... He showed me it isn't what the lies from hell make it out to be .... He showed me the truth .... It is first class protection 100% covered by God, totally under His wings .... Totally covered .... it is walking in PEACE and knowing God has my back .....
    SOME TRUTHS IF YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD ..... #1) God already knows everything you do anyway ..... #2) he loves you more then you will ever conceive #3) He wants the BEST of everything for you .... Vs .... you settling for scraps and second best when you do it by yourself .... #4) He cares about even the tiniest molecule of a decision you need to make about the most insignificant things in your life #5) He wants to be a part of everything and involved in your life to the max #6) What He has I store for you and what you think He has in store for you is as different as a outhouse and a mansion!! #7) Letting go is an eye opener to truths that set you free #8) When you are truly free you are free indeed !!

Suddenly Unexpected Crossroads and Emotions ... TWO

GOD - FREEWILL AND  CONTROL ....
 It's amazing how suddenly and unexpected things come at you and through twists and turns during your day. You head to what you expect to be an uneventful part of your day or evening in this case ... Midweek Bible Study ... our pastor is covering biblical history .... I love history so I am enjoying this particular study. Nothing monumental, nothing over exciting .... just covering history .... We are at the end of the evening study ..... and one of the elderly gentlemen that attend starts to ask questions ..... "what makes satan so mean?" .... "If God's in control why did satan rebel?" "Do you think satan can be saved?"  ..... my brain is trying to wrap around these questions .... This isn't the first time he has ask these ... but I know if I answer he won't listen .... the first time I encountered these questions from him was about a year ago and I did try to answer and he ignored me as if I had never spoke ...... 
   I came home that evening with the answer still burning in my brain and on my tongue ..... So I decided to send the answer to my pastor ..... so here's what I wrote ..... I wanted to respond to "Mr." but I didn't .... the answer to his question is FREEWILL. I believe God made every living creature with FREEWILL. (not to be confused with survival instincts blessed on all in the animal, bird, bug and fish realm) FREEWILL had to be given in order for God to stay true to His own nature & who He is. Difficult for us as finite conditional humans to grasp but nonetheless less we all have FREEWILL, angels and celestial beings included. Based simply on Genesis 1:26 and (of course lots of other stuff in the Bible too) and my personal relationship with Him ...... and yes ... God is in CONTROL but not in the sense us humans perceive and practice "CONTROL" .... it is totally connected to His perfect character & will and when God is in total CONTROL we only have a tiny fraction of a concept, compared to His infinite being and who He is. We try to shove, cram, and fit God into this tiny framed BOX of our thinking when He is unfathomable! .....hope this makes sense ..

Suddenly Unexpected Crossroads and Emotions ..... One

A lot has been happening ..... compressed in a nut shell ..... emotions have changed, life's journeys have taken some unexpected turns, friendships and aquaintances have changed, the way I view life and things I do .... I guess the best way is to meander down the dusty trail called my life and shake off old dust and get on with my journey. .... The best place to always start is "RIGHT NOW" .... which is May 5th 2018 @3:16PM .... and today my rattler was : .... called my BF ... sharing with her my day, and that I would possibly be heading her way .... I had been doing a deep cleaning of my kitchen and area .... I also had made 2 loaves of Keto bread .... (my second attempt ... first attempt, made one loaf and it was ok ... I ate it, but it needed some tweaking .... ) This batch tastes pretty good .... anyway ... I was going to take a few slices to her for them to try ... But shared with her what I had accomplished while doing my deep cleaning .... I had threw away all my old flour ... between the old 100% wheat flour being being buggy and the corn meal being rancid .. from age & lack of use ... I just threw everything away except my new gluten free flour which I had purchased 2 weeks ago. And a small newer bag of flour I had bought a couple months ago and it had been in a container. .... Her "priceless response" ?? "gag gag Please don't bother bringing me over any of the bread you made the thought of you having buggy flour just made me gag!!!   .... "say what?" (this was a thought and not a verbal expression") .... my verbal response was " I made the bread with new flour I just bought." she insisted she didn't want to try any bread from my house ..... OK ... SO HERE IS MY TAKE ON THIS WHOLE LITTLE SCENARIO ..... my thoughts erupted ... like wild fire .... EXCUSE ME!! DO THINK THINK I AM A BLOOMING IDIOT WHO USED BUGGY FLOUR AND RANCID FLOUR TO MAKE 2 LOAVES OF BREAD?? this bread is very very expensive to make!! each loaf probably costs me about $4.00 to $5.00 to make ..... (remember this is just my thoughts .... I was my polite self and said I needed to get going and hung up. That's her BIG ISSUE she thinks she is God's gift of intelligence to mankind and everyone is beneath her HIGH AND MIGHTY ENTITLED PRINCESS arrssss!!! (sorry about the "arrsss" word but can't think of anything else to use ..... ) she has treated her husband like he is a blooming idiot for years and just about everyone else too .... I have just been to ..... to ..... to much enjoying the benefit of her "delicacies" so to speak. ..... Ok I need to explain a bit here .... her place is beautiful .... she is a "Interior and Exterior" designer by heart and nature ... everything she touches she turns into an OASIS OF BEAUTY and a work of art. BUT SHE TREATS PEOPLE like they are stupid and she tolerates them and indulges them in her almighty presence and we should be grateful. THIS IS HORRIBLE!! I have stayed her friend because .... because .... because I needed someone to call my friend .... but I can not and will not @ 63 years of age any longer DO THIS ..... (oh and by the way .... then she adds "she thinks the growth inside her is some parasite she contracted from her cat that she had for years and years, that use to climb in her tub and drink water  and she never washed the tub out with Clorox and now she has had some parasite crawl up into her body ..... SAY WHAT???? )
... my brain is overcome with the reality and truth about her ..... sigh!! and I am again feeling "down' to have to face this ..... this "K N O W" about her ..... to grasp a bit further .... she has sent her husband to the free food places to get food .... she refuses to go because it is beneath her dignity and her PRIDE to be seen in such a place!! SAY WHAT?? if you have a true need ..thats what it is there for!! ... ARRRGGHH!!!

Overwhelmed to Overcomer Chapter Eight

OVERCOMING .... September 4th 2017
    Been a long road of self delusions, hard headedness, stubborn pride, and just plain orneriness .... that has finally brought me to my senses .... so to speak .... Not exactly the road I would suggest to anyone .... a bit hard on myself ... YEP ... had to be!! but oh .. the lessons that have been learned, climbing this mountain of SELF .... facing the giants of MY Own BAD ATTITUDES .... again not a suggested way to travel .... BUT all I can say is GOD HAS BEEN SO GOOD TO ME!!
 
    Today I sit in my almost finished space ... my own room, need another sheet of OSB board for my floor ...
 ... after thoughts that tie in with Chapter #7 ..... As Susie's Demtenia progresses we face what to do in this situation .... her rent is helping finance the second mortgage, and quite frankly my finances are not too bad but with the needs we have had .... her rent $$ has helped ... But we needed to combine our 2 mortgages and get some money for a leaking roof that is 25 years old .... and the insatllation of a "DISH" satillite with no CAULKING magnifed the leakage 10 fold with no recourse from DISH NETWORK!! When we changed satillite companies to HUGHES NETWORK they discovered this nasty gift DISH installers had given us ..... anyway .... went to the bank .... did a plethora of paperwork ..... when the Appraiser came .... SIGH ... he was bitten on the back by a spider in our backyard .... I felt sorry for him ... and to be honest I wasn't actually ready but I wanted to get this over with so .... IN he came .....
    The bank denied us on my poor housekeeping .... yep .... I have to be honest ... I was physically and mentally exhausted from everything and did not have the energy to "clean up the junk look" Oh ... my laundry was done and the dishes were all clean, the floors were swept & mopped ... and things were straightened up .... but ... the clutter was here and there and every where .... and YES I WAS ANGRY!! how dare he judge on what's in my house ..... SIDE NOTE to add .... our riding lawn mower of about 10 years had just died and we had a push mower  ..... (that was the original purpose of bringing in Missy "K" and letting her IDIOT visit ... keep the lawn mowed once a week for rent on the camper) .... That didn't last long .... and yes it was HOT & MUGGY OUT with high HUMIDITY!! .... So the weeds over-ran, the grass continued to grow and poison ivy continued to  climb all over the place ... (Now, not only I am horribly allergic to it so is hubby) .... and we are wore out!! 
     So decisions, decisions, decisions ..... where is the money coming from to fix the roof ... ??
UPDATE MAY 5TH 2018 ......
      the roof is fixed ..... the road to it being fixed was a journey of fine patient waiting and seeking.I began looking at different roofing companies and checking out if there was one that financed roofing .... I finally located one out of Louisville .... called Louisville Roofing ... the process was they came and talked to us, measured the roof, ask about gutters and we signed papers ..... On January 19th 2018 they came and did our roof .... a few minor events and details had to be worked out and I was concerned about the earliness of the season installing shingles .... BUT all in all I am hopeful that all will turn out Ok. ....

Life's Suddenly's teach a dear lesson ....

Had another layer of Spiritual awakening .... "3 Liquor Bottles" ... Saturday I decided to cook the beef roast I had bought in the crock pot .... I had straightened up a bit more of my room and sat the "3 Amigos" behind my bedroom door .....  "Unforgiveness, Anger & Stubborn Pride" actually 3 liquor bottles of Vodka, Tequila, and American Honey Whiskey,... that a Miss" D" had drank when they were almost new bottles then had poured water in them to make them appear full again ..... about $125.00 worth of liquor!! I was not a happy person, she had ruined 3 expensive bottles of drink and they were totally unusable!! So several years down the road of harboring this resentment and anger at her for her stupidity and gross unacceptable behavior ..... and every time I looked at these bottles it rose up again .... I came to Saturday and my roast .... God had me dump all 3 bottles in the roast ... plus some Worcestershire sauce and about a cup of brown sugar ..... AND I THREW THE BOTTLES AWAY!! What a release"!! .... ( on March 2nd Pastor preached on unforgiveness ) I didn't feel there was ANY OF THAT IN MY LIFE!! .. Yesterday guess who contacted me via Messenger .... ??? Miss "D".... we texted for about an hour or so ..... there is a VERY DEEP SPIRITUAL thing with forgiveness ... that runs much deeper then we realize as Christians ..... when we harbor unforgiveness as a Christian .... We tie God's hands !! OH not on God's part so to speak but as a Gentleman and as a Father He respects our emotions and our choices .... will keep His hands off a situation .... so lesson learned !! I am going to diligently search out my life for any harbored unforgiveness and resentments ... no matter how justifiable they are ... or how petty they seem to me ..... I do not want to hinder my Heavenly Father when I need Him to work in my Prayer Life and I am tying His hands with anger, resentment and unforgiveness that I am harboring, nurturing and protecting like a favorite toy on a shelf!! 

Life's Suddenly's become a Normal

March 11, 2018  12:50:11 Lots of things I'd like to say ...... but no one to talk to ..... sometimes I feel like a bottled up .... corked up Genie in a bottle whose been in there for a 1000 years and just want someone to talk to and share with ..... but there continues to be NO ONE .... sigh .... cause when I do get out of the bottle I find that suddenly everyone else needs someone to talk to and isn't interested in what I have to say .... so once in a great great while I happen on an unsuspecting individual who actually is a kind listening soul .... and WHAM ... I talk as fast as I can and cover 900 years in 2 seconds flat ..... and they look like they have been hit by a Mac Truck well riding a roller coaster .... when I am done .... or when REASON finally hits me and I realize from the look on their face ..... my 900 years in a 2 minute nutshell  was a bit overwhelming ..... so I quickly shut down smile and go silent ... kicking myself for being so unkind ..... and unthoughtful. But this selfish elfish inside me feels some overwhelming relief .... along with this guilt that I have probably lost a possible human person for a friend .... forever ... Then it begins all over again ..... I crawl back in my "bottle" for a time and season and shut it down, pull the cork tight, and accept my fate once again .....  ... YEP l live with two humans .... my mate ... he's in his own world "bottle" all the time sometimes it's a "Dog World", sometimes it's a TV World, and sometimes a Computer World .... but nevertheless it's not in my realm .... yes he's a sweetie and generally kind but it's like living with the absent minded professor .... and I am his "BRAIN" in waiting .... then there is my stepmother .... she actually has a type of dementia ... and has regressed to a young child mentally in some capacities ..... I'd guess about 7 or 8 years of age .... she's beginning to ask the same questions over and over again, and if we think something is funny she will say it a 100 times in a day ..... It. Has been an adjustment on our part .... somedays we do ok and some days we just plain DON'T !! .... somedays I get "snappy" and some days we both go into "hiding" .... in our rooms ... BUT the humans I live with generally are not to talk to persay ....... communicate with yes ( it's comparable to Twitter" .... that's why I REFUSE TO JOIN TWITTER) .... but they are not capable of a full blown conversation. 

Learning through the Suddenly's

February 22nd 2018 @ 11:24PM ..... First of all I'm up late due to taking a 2 hour nap .... yeah! .... not the wisest decision but never the less it was made going to kind of write backwards or I should say copy and paste backwards from my logs & journals I keep on my IPad. So here is the latest post first .... 10:06:38 PM  February 22, 2018  .... it is one of those days and so was yesterday. Yesterday I was in court and saw Cheryl Smith there .... and all the condolences had me in tears including the judge Elizabeth saying how sorry she was for Cheryl's loss .... then I had my eviction .... Lisa was apologizing for putting me thru this ... as we walked back out of the court room ... more teary eyes .... then I arrived at my office needing a coffee and some distractions looking at Facebook ... saw Billy Graham had passed on .... more tears .... THEN THIS MORNING word came Jimmy Marshall had passed away .... more tears .... home tonight to my hubby had taken all the junk to the dumpster and gotten another load of wood .... I fixed supper ... Lee isn't feeling well .... I'm concerned with his stomach being off so much ..... I am concerned he's over doing it. ..... OK so now why is it Late Late Late?? .... ate supper and laid down @ 7PM slept till almost 9PM ... poor Lee .... I went out and got a wheel borrow load of wood brought it in by the wood stove .... probably should get one more too ..... Lord thank you for my Hubby and heal his heart!! 

February 21, 2018  6:14:43 AM  

Potatoes start turning green when they are exposed to light. The green itself isn't a problem — it's chlorophyll. But the same conditions that cause the potato to produce chlorophyll also cause it to produce solanine, a natural toxin that causes nausea and other intestinal upsets.Mar 19, 2014 ..... copied from the net .... All this time I really thought this was a myth or old wives tale ... till God had to teach me a very unforgettable lesson!! I began making potato salad last night .... and all the potatoes were fairly green except a few ...... I had bought a 5lb. Bag. I was in kind of a hurry, it was about 6:30PM and I wanted to get it done ....... I heard this gentle small voice say "peel the potatoes" ..... so I ignored it .... then this "gentle small voice said or "boil them whole and peel them after they are cooked"  ...... sounded too much like a waiting thing .... so I scrubbed the potatoes and cut THEM ALL UP INTO SMALL POTATO SALAD PIECES .... put them onto cook ..... that's when that still small voice said .... "go look it up on the internet" ..... SO I DID and here's what I found .........

Potatoes start turning green when they are exposed to light. The green itself isn't a problem — it's chlorophyll. But the same conditions that cause the potato to produce chlorophyll also cause it to produce solanine, a natural toxin that causes nausea and other intestinal upsets.Mar 19, 2014 ..... copied from the net ..

So guess what I did ?? Because I didn't want to make anyone sick!!! I took them potatoes off the stove ..... and yes I could have thrown them all away because they only cost $2.99 BUT I DIDN'T ...... I needed to learn to listen to THAT STILL SMALL VOICE OF GOD when He is talking to me ..... !! SO ... I proceeded to individually peel the green off each tiny piece of potato ...... took me near on almost 45 minutes ..... but I got my potato salad " green free" ..... and a lesson learned.

February 20th 2018 Well I am calling this my Tuesday / Earth Day figuring it out Day !! Sometimes I am a bit slow ... 2:50:02 PM  ... in bathroom & the phone rings go figure .... sat at my desk all day ... NOW IT RINGS ... and LOL I already forgot what I figured out .... this is just too funny !! ... it's like a brief passing thought that strolls past in my brain .... But currently Linda's about to cause me to go SLICK OFF!!! She has been running her mouth for over a half hour!!! Non STOP!! NEGATIVE NEGATIVE NEGATIVE!!!

February 18th 2018 ... Sunday ..... As I am writing my "Testimony" I realize the amount of contradictions and opposites that are a constant in my life .... Years ago the doctors told me between my son's intelligence level and his coordination there was a HUGH chasm ... which left for a lot of emotional upheavals .... I think that basically describes my life to a "T" .... 

   For instant ... this standing prayer and desire for this job .... YET a greater desire for God's perfect will in my life .... My flesh just looks at the packaging I am able to see and "the know" in my finite mind .... but My trust and total belief that God has my Best in mind I can lay back and rest in this assurance!! It may mean the answer is NO !! Yet it may mean it is wait for now .... no matter what I am glad I have Jesus as my advisor and confidence' !! .... Emotions can be very deceiving and persuasive, if you don't a very ground wire to God!!  Sitting here rocking and hanging out till I can go to bed .... Sue had 6 cigs today, I locked the down. Last night she was coughing terrible. TOO MANY CIGS yesterday!! Doctor appt tomorrow morning @ 9:30AM in LaGrange. My ears are giving me upheavals .... no real pain but pressure and dizzy vertigo feelings .... Will be leaving here about 8:30AM ... will be there by 9 but that's ok... Text Katie to see if she has to be in LaGrange in the morning ... Court on Wednesday ... 266-2 ... one I wish I didn't have to go for. Hoping somewhere they come up with the money .... BUT she has a bad habit of making poor choices with her money .... and I might as well face it .... another bad choice. .... CHOICES ... sigh ... when I make sad choices sometimes it's not good. Tanya I hope is a good choice!! ... So far I am very pleased with the choice I made about her daughter. Will be great when Samantha moves and I can get that drama out of there ..... I feel sorry for her kids ..... and then I am not sure what's going to happen to Darlene ... she needs to be in a handicap unit. If I can get one opened up she's going in it!

 February 17, 2018  8:53:48 AM  ..... Just relaxing ... needed it!! .. Sue's out jabbering a mile a minute to Lee ... whew!! I know he tunes her out but ... it's grating on my nerves!! .... not Lee tuning her out but her constant jabbering ...... calling Yvonne ....

Sharing about my yo yo morning .... 

February 13, 2018  2:35:33 PM  .... Ever been depressed because your happy? Unique feelings .... two days in a row..... yesterday was finding out Shawn is alive, learning he's scared to death, called his sister crying, he wants out of the situation he's in but refuses to let go of the snake ..... today was totally excited about Todd coming .... I know maybe my exterior didn't show it .. but inside I was VERY EXCITED TO SEE THEM ..... BUT .... the Hugh BUT !!! With the weather coming in I couldn't be selfish and want him to be unsafe either .... SO I PRAYED!! .... he decided it was too much to drive here .... I was relieved and at the same time depressed .... so many mixed emotions that I literally became super depressed and very tired .... had to take a nap. ..... We did talk for a while on the phone .... he collapsed last night he was so exhausted .... I told him I was relieved he wasn't going to try to come this way ... and that was VERY TRUTHFUL!! .... but my heart was growing sad sad sad ... at the disappointment. ... I managed to keep a "smile in my voice" well talking ... I knew if I slipped he'd try to make it and I would feel even more terrible and selfish!! We talked about us maybe making it in July when they are going to New York. .... I'm sitting here very teary eyed right now .... if I speak I will start crying and will " loose it" ... so here I sit typing on my I Do Pad. 

February 11, 2018  12:30:28 PM  Melancholy .... Also called: saturnine .... A severe form of depression. .... Common causes of this symptom ...... Melancholy can have causes that aren't due to underlying disease. Examples include seeing a sad movie, loss of a loved one or object, or a good thing coming to an end.

..... well I am not sure if I would totally classify as "melancholy" I have my own descriptive ideas .... like a La ... la .... la ..  who cares mentality ... cleaned out the box at the end of my bed .... 10 actual piles to figure out .... whew!! The kids pile is easiest, then the misc treasure basket comes in 2nd .... from there I feel muddled ...  whew that was a scary moment .... for almost lost this last paragraph .... next scary moment ... Sue actually ask about this busted hair brush if it was garbage .... YES !!!  ....... 

.... I am apprehensive about Todd and Tess coming, my house is ..... not exactly in good shape ... and I am feeling tired wore out at the thought of cleaning it up ... There is no way to make the couch look better .... I hope they haven't turned too judgmental!! .... I will make it .... but .... I need to clean off my bed and just relax ..... 

February 10, 2018  2:36:13 AM  ..... not real tired .... went to bed exhausted feeling. Slept hard for a few ... I have Airabella & Dalton, suppose to be getting Ashton by 10AM. ... then we are heading out to Erlanger by noon for Storm & Dakota's birthday party. .... My brain's meandering .... God is so good ... Todd called tonight him & Tess are heading this way on Tuesday. Haven't seen Todd since Mom's 80th birthday party. ( in person) ... Just need to say Thank You Lord for the idea of getting the cushion from the garage for Airabella to sleep on. Made a bed on the treadmill for her. Daltons on the couch ... then as I laid in bed I remembered Moms Afghan she made me and I haven't used it all winter. Went looking for that, it's on Lee's shelf in his bedroom. Need to get the tax stuff around to Debbie. Lots of cleaning to do and to delegate to Sue and Lee. To get this house spruced up by Tuesday. Todd & Tess are stopping at Heathers first on their way from Arkansas where Tess's mom lives. I worry about Heather being there all alone with the boys ... I will be putting all my alcohol stuff up in my dresser. Had a thot of Thankfulness but can't remember what now .... anyway  Lord You know what I am thankful for so I guess if I remember to write it or don't write it it's ok.  Elder’s Meditation of the Day February 9

 

“It can be 100 degrees in the shade one afternoon and suddenly there comes a storm with hailstones as big as golf balls, the prairie is all white and your teeth chatter. That’s good – a reminder that you are just a small particle of nature, not so powerful as you think.”   

–Lame Deer, LAKOTA  

No event, no relationship, no joy, no sadness, no situation ever stays the same. Every setback is only temporary. Even setbacks change. Why? Because the Great Spirit designed the world to be constantly changing. We are not the center of the universe, we are but a small part. The whole is constantly changing, and we as humans are constantly participating in the change. We have two choices, to resist change or participate in the change. Every change can be resisted, and every change can be made in cooperation. What will I choose today, resistance or cooperation?  

Great Spirit, teach me to make cooperative changes.

February 7th 2018 Wednesday .... Transferring album " Lee & Terry's Pics .."... BORED ... BORED .... BORED ..... didn't think I would ever say that but I am ..... need to work on my VBS papers .... may take a nap and work on them when I get up .... So close to the finish line!! So TEMPTING to start the playing games again ..... BUT .... that's where the DIFFERENCE comes in ..... I AM STICKING TO MY RESOLUTION!! ..... even after Michelle said another possible year and a half!!! The kids are worth this QUEST!! ... they may not understand what I am doing but I do!! I feel like a "caged cat" .... with the forest out there calling to me. AND I FEEL DROOPY!! ... have a cup of coffee, and just ate a bowl of strawberry yogurt. .... Sue's chattering has quieted down ... Thank You Lord!! My phone is on charger .... hopefully this after noon I can get some more pics off the old computer. 

February 4, 2018  10:43:46 AM   ..... @ 8:30AM felt an overwhelming TIRED fall over me .... laid back down ... thinking I could be up in time for church. Woke up after 10:00 AM .... it's now 11:00:17 AM  ..... Sue needed a card to her brother with a correct address on it. ... one thing lead to another ..... she brought me this ratty old envelop with  a plethora of writing and scribbles on it where you could barely make out one number from another with Ted's old address on it .... I insisted that we get a address book made!!!! She bulked and fussed but I found a small notebook and wrote all her numbers and her brothers address in it ... LARGE numbers and letters one phone number to a page. Then I threw the envelop & old paper of hers into wood stove immediately or she would have kept them. ..... “Isaiah 58:6.- 8 Is this not the fast that I have chosen:

To loose the bonds of wickedness,

To undo the heavy burdens,

To let the oppressed go free,

And that you break every yoke?

Is it not to share your bread with the hungry,

And that you bring to your house the poor who are cast out;

When you see the naked, that you cover him,

And not hide yourself from your own flesh?

Then your light shall break forth like the morning,

..... this is hitting hard this morning .... as I rose out of bed from my "nap" the Lord began to show me this in a whole new light ... as I turned off Lee's lights in his room (3 of them to be exact) .... I felt grateful I had this to do, as I swept up loads of dust bunnies & fur balls for the billionth this overwhelming feeling of gratefulness again swept over me. 

11:28:54 AM   Scott called and wanted to know where I was for 2 days ... I told him I had to get away!! ... he left it alone!! ... OK back to where I was .... when I woke up I started to think on my sister feeling lonely .. I told her if I lived up near her I would probably be at her place a lot .... and she would get tired of me .... she said she doubted it ..... but the truth is I don't see myself moving back to New York anytime soon. SO AS I PONDERED ON ALL THIS IN MY HEAD ..... and considered the real causes and feelings of loneliness ... and my own LONELINESS ... I realized it is a state of being .... I live with 2 other humans here in the 1608 sq. Ft. Area .... with a foot over it .... and I often feel lonely too .... and desire human companionship .... so many times I have reverted to talking to God just because there was no one to talk to about all my feelings and frustrations that get bottled up in me ..... Where does one go when are at the top of the heap??? So to speak?? !! Who do you talk to? .. Who do you confide in and express you feelings and emotions to? I have to go to God because I don't have anyone else ..... I often think of the movie that Tom Hanks plays in where he's shipwrecked on a deserted island ... and he makes coconut friends to talk to .... @ least I'm not totally without humans .... often I am surrounded in a sea of humans and I just want away from them ... Not because I hate or despise them ... but because they are there and they all depend on me and I feel the weight of the burdens .... 12:22:47 PM  .... made meatloaf, feeling lopsided ... need to bring in wood again, emptied wheel borrow. Between Lee's blood pressure being low, his meds, his foot & hands & arms ..... I don't feel I can ask him to get wood. Sue offers to help but the poor thing is in the way more then she helps.  1:35:59 PM  . ..... meatloaf done, mash potatoes done peas done ... now for the clean up .... shared a taste with my dogs ..... SELF PITY is a strange bedfellow, it can disguise its self in all kinds of shapes and forms from depression to self bashing, from self indulgence to making excuses for bad choices and behavior..... 

January 28, 2018  7:25:53 AM   ..... Sunday ... Son-Light Day ... PRAISE REPORT .... Roof Loan under $10000.00 !! things I am seeing different ... new line of praying I am going to do ... changed out some lines of thinking for my praying ..... added some new way of praying .... LIFE EVOLVES .... when we get stuck in a rut IT IS OUR OWN FAULT!!  .... Ruts are caused by, refusing to move on when there is a need to walk on .... to leave where we are at ... to move forward in a situation .... to leave behind hinderances and press forward. ..... We start to tread over the same spot over and over again till we wear our selves down into a pit (Rut) ..... OK .. what's in my life that is holding me back? What line of thinking is causing ruts to form? 

SOFT GROUND & RAIN .... are the two biggest causes of ruts happening .... in other words we fail to see, to look , to observe as from a distance .... what is the terrain looking like ...... Is there solid ground or soft ground?? Will I get stuck if I walk on it?? Weight causes us to sink .... are we leaving the heavy burdens @ the cross or are we carrying them into our travels? Matthew 11:30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light .... 

Elder’s Meditation of the Day January 28

 

“We call it the `sacred’ red road because it is the road that will lead us to living the good life, an honest and healthy life.”   

–Larry P. Aitken, CHIPPEWA  

The Red Road is the path we walk on when we want a direct relationship with the Great Spirit. This requires sacrifice. This requires us to have our beliefs tested. To walk this path is really an honor. The returns for doing so are exciting, not only for ourselves but for the effect that will be felt for three generations. This means your children will see the benefits as well as your grandchildren. Do I want to walk this sacred road?  

Great Spirit, guide myself and my family on the Red Road.

January 27, 2018  6:50:41 AM  .... There is a cycle & circle of Life ... here's the DO NOT list for 63 ... #1) My body no longer sleeps for 8 hours ... I'm happy with 3 consecutive hours 4 I think I am a "millionaire" .... #2) Bending over is luxury and intermittent .... my back just don't like the motion all the time ... Somedays I am really good and somedays I'm not .... #3) Reaching over my head ... again it is a luxury I usually do my reaching in the morning, my actual shoulder range is about 45 degrees .... #4) walking ... another luxury with pain in my feet / foot depending on which day which foot or both feet ... and the extent of the pain equals how much walking I do. #5) K.i.t.b.o.t.h. .... = Kicked in the back of the head pain .... another morning ailment I deal with .... somedays BAD some days nothing and many days somewhere in between .... this effects your THINKER .... Quick intervention is the key ... often requiring you to get out of bed @ 2AM or .... up to 4AM or the whole in between .... #5) Hands ... twisted fingers, clumsy thumbs .... pain .... always ... sometimes finger numbness, small motor skills not the greatest anymore on most days .... and some days I have to OVER DO cause the pain level is way down and the movement is good ... #6) My knees .... too many falls ... to many accidents have taken its toll any weight on them is painful .... and I try to avoid this position as much as possible .... then there's the several times a year they decide to become disjointed and then it throws another whole element into the mix .....  #7) Ankle ... singular .... then once in a great while the one I broke years ago decides to "speak" ... OUCH!! Bone chip floating .... #8) Ears .... last several years fluid build up a couple times a year .... and the ear aches to deal with ..... #9) Hips .... sigh occasionally they decide to flare .... and ache and hurt .... this effects walking, sitting & sleeping .... #10) WRISTS .... carpel tunnel .... need I say anymore .... have I missed anything ..... BUT all in all I am blessed because they never all hurt at the same time ..... and I decided years ago when I was still in my 20's and began having pain that I wasn't getting hooked on pain relief medicine!! ... I would deal with it!! .All said and wrote out ... Need some Turmeric & Peppercorns now ...... and then some organic Sulfur! ... 

OK SO HERES WHY ..... @ least 5 major whiplashes, 3 car accidents, about 15 severe doozy trips, falls and spills .... piece work in a factory where speed and repetitive movement was vital to your paycheck, farm work, hay bale throwing .... Pitchfork usage in a barn, gardening , heavy lifting and moving heavy objects like pushing cars, a herniated disk ... from repetitive bending and lifting .... Carpel Tunnel from years of driving school bus and Tractor Trailer .... and many repetitive motion jobs .... broken bones .... all take their toll and slow you down ...... OK THAT DESCRIBES MY BODY ..... 

January 26, 2018  8:37:40 PM  

Elder’s Meditation of the Day January 26

 

“All life is a circle.”   

–Rolling Thunder, CHEROKEE  

The atom is a circle, orbits are circles, the earth, moon, and sun are circles. The seasons are circles. The cycle of life is a circle: baby, youth, adult, elder. The sun gives life to the earth who feeds life to the trees whose seeds fall to the earth to grow new trees. We need to practice seeing the cycles that the Great Spirit gave us because this will help us more in our understanding of how things operate. We need to respect these cycles and live in harmony with them.  

Great Spirit, let me grow in knowledge of the circle

Elder’s Meditation of the Day January 25

 

“Also ask your heart to purify and cleanse this defect and harmful desire. Ask also the help of the inner father and mother. Every time we eliminate a defect, we build our soul, our inner temple. We ascend. like going up a stairway.”   

–Willaru Huayata, QUECHUA NATION, PERU  

The building blocks to knowledge and wisdom are constructed through the lessons of our character defects if we constructively review our conduct each day, asking where we are resentful, selfish, dishonest, or afraid. Remember, we need to review constructively, not destructively. Destructive review is when we ask, “what’s the matter with me anyway.” or “how could I be so stupid?” These question lead to morbid reflection or remorse and seriously affect our self esteem. In constructive review we ask, “what will I do next time?” With constructive review we progressively eliminate the defect and replace it with wisdom.  

My Creator, allow me to have my defects because through them I gain in knowledge of Your will.

Elder’s Meditation of the Day January 23

“Our true enemies, as well as our true sources of strength, lie within.” 

–Willaru Huayta, QUECHUA NATION, PERU

A long time ago, the Creator put inside the human being the secrets to the laws of life. We usually know this is true even though we may not know what these laws are. If something goes wrong with our lives, we usually fix the blame on something outside of ourselves. We tend to give up accountability. One way or another we say, “It’s not my fault.” We need to realize that all permanent and lasting change starts on the inside and works its way out. If it’s meant to be, it is up to me.

Oh Great Spirit, let me realize fully that my problems are of my own making. Therefore, so are the solutions.

Copied with the permission of Don L. Coyhis, from the book Meditations with Native American Elders: The Four Seasons If anyone would like to purchase the book is can be found at:

Coyhis Publishing at: http://www.coyhispublishing.com/…/meditations-with-native-a… Or Amazon at: http://www.amazon.com/gp/offer-listing/1605304514/ref

January 22, 2018  8:21:26 PM   ..... my iPad has decided to have for its self .... sound .... now my typing sounds like drips of water falling .... These past few days have been worries over this female boxer that's running scared, and starving .... we're trying to feed her .... so she can survive .... poor thing!! .... then Lee tells me that someone put rat poison out down by the barn ANGER .... FASCHE'  ..... MAD!! How stupid can one be???? That could be why Cobi was so sick back @ Christmas time !! ..... I'm going to put dog food out mornings up top of driveway for her ... hopefully she will feel safe here and if she has pups she will bring them here. .... Lord the only ones who can help her are the angels right now, she would not be scared of them, help her to listen to the angels and bring her pups here ..... I am going to put a blanket out in the garage. I also am going to put out the bread for her .... bring her here in the name of Jesus. ... ok enough of my dog tales ..... Heather from 266-7 came in tearful ..... someone tried to get into her apartment last night .... did some checking & Dale was around there about the same time frame ....  he would be the only one to have a key ..... I haven't heard from him in a week .... then he shows up on a Sunday night at an apartment that is occupied .... NOT GOOD!! .... Well I changed locks on the shop and deadbolts on 266-2 & 266-7 for   safety's sake!! ... Don't think he has a key to 262-4 or 262-3 ..... not sure about 266-5. BUT I need to text him and ask him to drop off all the "Empty keys" ...... RAIN!! Heavy rain!! OH YUCK!!! .... now all I can think about is that poor baby in the cold rain, hopefully she is in a barn somewhere. I look at my fur babies and feel so sad for this poor dog!! 

January 18, 2018  9:48:09 AM  .... my brain has many tracks to go down .... it's like standing in the middle of a slowly rotating platform with tracks running 360 degrees every which way and you just stand and watch different destinations creep by without knowing if you want to step on one of the trains moving by ...... or just stand there ...... wisps of info & memories, pieces of stories, news and other drama unfold on each track.

3:38:57 AM  January 16, 2018  .... another early awakening ..... Some people are in our life and we particularly don't care if they stay or not, Others we would like to get to know and have a close relationship with but stay @ arms length .... it's a God thing .... then there are those we flee from and desire to severe contact but they linger in the back ground .... There is family near and far .... Extended family too .. There are people unavoidable in your life and those you chose to avoid at all costs!

Dreary and gloomy out, cold and I feel like I take 2 steps froward and 3 steps back .... sigh! January 15, 2018  8:50:18 PM   .... hungry ... had a yogurt & soda .... talked to Yvonne for quite a while .... looked up bean bag beds .... they aren't what the pillows are ..... was considering getting one but .... stopped because I want a true bean bag sofa not a memory foam filled one .... 

January 14, 2018  9:52:47 PM  .... getting ready for bed here shortly ..... sorted out papers in my room garbage can filled twice. YEAH!! Then I tackled the smaller filing cabinet in back room, hauled it into the LV ... @ end of treadmill .... cleaned up that area earlier ... went thru 2 drawers of files ... threw away 3 cans full of garbage papers. Still have the other two to go thru, but put the bottom drawer back together & need to get the 3rd one done too ... but not tonight .... brought in a wheel borrow of wood ... Lee filled it & I packed it in. ... Did a lot of discussion about this job .... Talked to Dale earlier ..  really concerned about him .... he's not thinking clearly .... he's really depressed .... Lord I ask that Dale seek You ... I have no idea what's his issues but he needs you desperately. ... I may see about scanning my application into the computer and emailing it to John if I have to. Dale wants to hand it to him personally .... Well Lord if he is suppose to keep your hand on Dale's life!! 

January 13, 2018  12:25:58 AM  .... yep I'm up ... !! Daughter called about an hour ago .. from a hospital in Syracuse NY .... she's there with Ashley Quick, ... 4:04:47 PM  ... most the day has past .... puttered but never the less did a lot. Changed out cat box, did all the dishes, cleaned off hutch, hung shelf in dining room, did laundry. Need to sort papers .... talked to Yvonne, Keith & Cara , David Thacker called .... he's putting in a few hours. 6:43:59 PM  .... SIGH ! ... so much to do ... and no motivation to do it .... I need to throw stuff away ... !! 

January 10, 2018  5:17:36 PM  

Elder’s Meditation of the Day January 10

 

“We cannot escape remembering the important things that have happened, and we cannot escape the awareness of the important things that have not happened.”   

–Ralph Salisbury, CHEROKEE  

There is a Master Plan. There are Natural Laws that run the universe. Everything on the earth has a purpose. Change is constant. That which is built is constantly being destroyed. That which is loose is being used to build new things. Nothing can be destroyed, only rearranged. Change will happen and every setback is only temporary. In other words, the Creator is in charge. We are not in charge. He designed the universe. He runs the universe and He will change what needs to be changed. As humans, it is easier for us to participate in all of this if we are spiritual. We need to be tuned in. Therefore, God gave us the spiritual concept of acceptance. When things change, we can change ourselves through the principle of acceptance.  

Great Spirit, let me live today in acceptance of Your will. Today let us do it Your way.

January 9th 2018 Well I finally had a meltdown here @ work .... SIGH ... David texted me he found out Dale was making more then him .... and was very upset ... and he had every right to be. David works hard!!  Called Shelly ... I worded it wrong to her  .... she blew her top!! Then I hung up @ the end of our conversation and she called me back ... THATS WHEN I HAD THE MELT DOWN!! Linda and Gpa was here when I melted down ..... ugh!! .... 

Elder’s Meditation of the Day January 9

 “So, with the Native way, it’s not whether people find out about what you’ve done or not… that’s not nearly as strong as having your source of morality within you, having your morality arise out of an inner perception of what is wrong, ridiculous, or shameful. You are your own judge.”   

–Eunice Baumann-Nelson, Ph.D., PENOBSCOT  

Inside each of us is a voice. It is a quiet voice. It is a guiding voice. If we listen for it, it will guide us, and help us avoid disaster. It is especially active when we are afraid, when we are in doubt, when we are scared, when we need help, and when we get angry. If we are excited emotionally, it is hard to hear this voice. If we are angry, it’s hard to hear this voice because it is usually quiet. The best thing we can do is to practice getting quiet. If we don’t get quiet, there is another voice called the judge. It tells us to attack or say bad things to other people or to judge ourselves. This voice is loud and usually gets us into trouble.  

Creator, Great Mystery, help me listen for the quiet voice. Let me know this voice of Yours. Your ways are gentle. Guide me with this voice. Thank you.

January 8, 2018  7:32:35 AM  ... feeling angry and frustrated with Lee & Susan .... Lee sits playing this war game constantly. He was up @ 5:30AM playing it .... played it all day yesterday .... he runs around in a WAR / FIGHT mentality continually when he's playing ... MAKES LIFE really interesting here .... I have angry fight mode mentality Lee who thinks the world is against him and is nagging him and trying to "fight" him and Ornery fighting paranoia defensive mentality Sue to continually deal with ... YEAH ME!!!! We need sun lamps!! .... now I may be stuck here all day .... THANK YOU WEATHER!!! ... may see how the roads are come daylight ...... 

January 6, 2018  8:40:35 PM  .... Yaupon (Ilex vomitoria) and yerba maté (Ilex paraguariensis) are closely related hollies with similar caffeine content, methods of preparation, and drinking culture. Why yerba maté flourished into a mainstream beverage now available at many health food stores while yaupon fell into obscurity has puzzled researchers as far back as 1891. “The reason for its disuse is hard to discover,” mused Edwin Moses Hale in his book on the history of yaupon. “The use of maté has not decreased from the time of the conquest of South America by Europeans.”

January 7, 2018  9:02:11 AM  Elder’s Meditation of the Day January 7

 

“When we become hollow bones there is no limit to what the Higher Powers can do in and through us in spiritual things.”   

–Frank Fools Crow, LAKOTA  

If we want to be of maximum use to the Creator, we must ready ourselves to do so. if we are to become a channel for His purposes, we must prepare ourselves to do so. If we have resentment, fear, selfishness, or anger, we are not hollow bones. We must be rid of these things. We must change ourselves. We must ask for forgiveness for ourselves and forgive our brothers and sisters. We must keep our insides clean. We cannot use our power in a good way when we have blockages such as hate, judgement, and envy. When we are free of these things the Higher Powers can use us beyond our wildest imagination. Then we can really help ourselves and help our people. Only when we are hollow bones can we have an effect on the world.  

Oh Great Spirit, remove from me the things that block my usefulness to You. Remove from my day all thinking that is out of harmony with Your ways. Grant me Your peace and allow me to function as a hollow bone.

7:16:50 PM  January 4, 2018  ... been a "Yiks" kinda day!! .... did get the bills paid .. contemplating on everything ... 266-4 and her news about 266-3 Kendall ( child porn issues) ... and her possible bone cancer. .... Dales major screw up .... breaking the large counter, then trying to blame it on David .... his anger all the time ..... now he's sick .... Lonte's (258-7) issues and spiraling downward into depression without his skitzo meds.

... and Lonte's possible job loss situation. .....  then Susan and her COUGH & CIG issues ... and now the doctor cancelled again .... shooting for tomorrow .... need to call the doctor tomorrow for Gpa and tell her he is havin some cognitive issues with who's who ..... Need to go to Louisville on the 12th to Bennett & Bloom with him .... may cancel and make it for March .... lots warmer then ...