NEW BEGINNINGS ON "PLANET 65" ....

 New BEGINNINGS on "Planet 65" .... Started this quite a while ago .... As I was transitioning from one planet to another .... 

    PLANET #1 ( or as I am calling it "Planet Past" ) .... from my birth to 2019 ..... The transition began to take place in early 2018 but I didn't land on the "New Planet" until after October of 2019. 

    PLANET # 2 .or "Planet 65" as I am calling it .. This is where my name changed, who I was changed, my life changed .... EVERYTHING THAT WAS ..... that existed on the "Old Planet" was almost gone. Small pockets of memories lingered and some memorabilia .... OK .... how about a whole lot of stuff in a storage unit existed !! .... LOL (love this expression ... LAUGH OUT LOUD) BUT REALLY I am only smiling slightly ...... SIGH! .... The journey from Planet #1 to Planet #2 was a trip I will never forget, definitely wouldn't wish on my worse enemy and am so glad for Planet #2 ..... 

    Life as I Knew "IT".... slowly began to unravel long before I ever left Planet #1 I keep going back in my memory banks and trying to find a pin point .... there are several pivotal places ..... 

     First of all I am blessed .... not because I am special in anyway but because despite all the teachings, the books, the words from other people, the life I led, the beliefs I had .... The way I lived, thought, acted and felt ..... But because simply God loves me. He loved me through a WHOLE LOT OF VERY UNLOVABLE CHOICES, ACTIONS, AND DECISIONS made by someone who thought they knew ..... thought they understood, thought they had it pretty well figured out! ...... 

The Old & New Confused Me ... Spaghetti Junction #1

      November 3rd 2018 .... This is 5 months into the"New Me" .... It has been a very very difficult road.
       On July 19 2018 or somewhere maybe a month or so prior to this date I began to experience physical symptoms that manifested on July 19th as a full blown nervous breakdown.
        The following journal is being wrote almost a year later as I try to come to grips and peace with what took place.
 

June 22 2019

WHAT HOPE MEANT FOR ME ….

       I have been walking through emotional deeply pitted valleys with high steep mountainous ranges for about a year now. Before this part of my journey began, I had spent a large portion of my lifetime and season with my FOCUS, THOUGHT PROCESSES, PURPOSE IN LFE, AND DRIVE .. surrounded by “loved ones, family, and friends.

      Through a series of choices I made and was made for me ….. Through a series of happenings, events, circumstances and problems I began to lose my grip on reality. Nothing notable at first but as it grew in momentum I was blinded by my own grief and sadness. 

     I was made with “The Expector Factor” this is a high type of hope one lives with, runs on and focuses with.

This is an invisible antenna that was / is worn within the body and brain area …. It is a way of life, a way of thinking, a way of believing. People with the “Expector Factor” thrives on HOPE! 

     It is living with your eyes in “microscope mode” on every situation an seeing it as a possibility. It is believing in people and comes with a desire to always see the good in them. To always want to and desire to offer help and assistance to anyone you come into contact with. “The Microscope Mode FACTOR” is continually looking for things you want to exist, for things you believe deeply is there. It is continually looking, reaching and moving in the direction of your dreams and hearts desires. It is setting goals and boundary lines to obtain ….. It is believing you can move mountains with your faith. 

WHEN THIS THING CALLED HOPE GETS RIPPED OUT OF YOU …. 

      My life consisted of “MY PAST”, “MY PRESENT”and “MY FUTURE” …. Somewhere in the course of things an EMOTIONAL tsunami hit me …. What ended up was a jumble of “PAST, PRESENT, and FUTURE all mixed up and intertwined with no defining lines. When the EMOTIONAL TSUNAMI hit it drove, shook, ripped, tore and removed all PAST, PRESENT & FUTURE THOUGHTS, IDEAS, IDEALS, MOTIVES, ATTITUDES AND DREAMS I ever had. I was unable to grasp where I was and who I was, I was unable to see through the MICROSCOPE any longer because it was totally and completely gone. I had lost my vision both spiritually and” humanly”, my rock, my steady place, my safe place was gone! I was floating through tumultuous waters from the EMOTIONAL TSNUNAMI …. Being tossed and thrown every which direction. I was being slammed with emotional baggage of large proportions from my past, presence and future THAT HAD BEEN RIPPED AND TORN LOOSE … with no seeming escape. ……. AND THAN ….. I saw him …. This hand, this sweet smile, this person standing with their hand out reaching for me FROM A SOLID PIECE OF GROUND …… I grasp onto that hand with everything I had ….. as I climbed up out of the EMOTIONAL MUDDY TUMULTUOUS WATERS FROM THE TSNUNAMI …. I wrapped my arms around this person and clung to him with everything I had …….  

THE MAN STANDING ON SOLID GROUND ….

   In the EMOTIONAL Tsunami I had lost everything, I had lost my direction, my view, my beliefs were torn away, my emotions were scrambled, and who I was, was gone … crawling up out of the muddy swirling waters was an empty shell of a person who was happy to have survived, who was happy to see a smiling face, a friendly hand, and a SAFE PLACE out of the waters. This man became my rock, my safe place my new focus. This man had a name …. “Dale” ….. as the tsunami waters settled and the winds died down and everything I had known was gone … he stood there and held me firmly and with a strength I had no memory of ever experiencing before. It was all new and it made me feel secure and safe.  

(My first recollectionsof being out of the waters wasone evening …. It was the first time I cut Dale’s hair what happen was I felt safe and I realized I was smiling and felt happy for the first time I could remember)

CHANGES AND EXCHANGES THAT HAPPENED

    There were fleeting thoughts those first moments as I crawled out of those swirling waters …. Small microscopic memories of the past … but lost to an amnesia type state of mind …. BUT … as I began to focus and feel safe …. VERY SAFE …. With this man whose hand pulled me out and held me firm upon this solid ground …. I buried my head in his form and clung with everything I had. …… This is all hind sight what I am going to write …from here for a bit …. In the Emotional Tsunami that had hit me was lost my lifeline and secure SPIRITUAL beliefs! …. God tried to reach me and was in fact there with His hand out too … right beside Dale ... But tsunami had ripped from me all spiritual eyesight also ….. I was blinded by pain, fears, and frightening emotional upheavals that left me vulnerable and wide open prior to the EMOTIONAL TSNUNAMI that was coming. … When Icrawled out of those swirling emotions and placed my hand in Dale’s I did not see Jesus standing there with His hand ready for me to take …. I saw Dale. When you loose your spiritual eyesight you are unable to see into the supernatural and often you are unable to feel the supernatural. You become focused on the solid matter of forms and things about you ….. I saw Dale as I crawled out of those muddy swirling waters he was there and he was real and I could feel him and grasp him. Survivalis a strange thing if you have never experienced it before …. It comes with its own set of rules, views, and eyes. 

HIND SIGHT THEY SAY IS 20/20

          I SAW DALE!! …. I clung to this man … I am positive he had no idea who was crawling out of those “waters” except he saw a woman who was reaching for someone’s hand, and there he stood alone and was happy to see another human being …. So, he reached out and she grabbed his hand and pulled herself out of the EMOTIONALLY SWIRLING WATERS and clung to him and he held her. He had “no idea where she had come from” ( physically he knew who I was but emotionally he didn’t have a clue) … all he was concerned was he had helped someone and they were there …  

    And … there Jesus stood …. Waiting watching as she clung to the human and did not even see Him …. He had always been her rock, her safe place her go to for everything. ….. AND SHE DIDN’T SEE HIM!! She appeared blinded from the storm’s effects.  

     She had always had deep spiritual insight and eyesight but the Tsunami had torn everything from her. Her human was all she could see. He was human and he was solid matter she could grasp and hold. And he had compassion on her and quickly had feelings for her as she clung to him. She had lost her MICROSOPE that she was use to looking through, she had lost her spiritual eyes to see Jesus; they were covered in debris and mud and she didn’t even know they existed anymore at that point

WHEN YOUR VISION SEES WHAT IS THERE …. 

     FOR ALMOST A YEAR IT HAS BEEN DALE!! …… my spiritual vision is slowly coming back …. BUT … I have been attached to Dale for so long I have grown a SOUL TIE with him …. At best all I can explain is every breathe, every thought, every waking moment Dale is in my heart, head and being …. I crave Dale as much as I crave food, drink and air. ….. This scared Dale terrible and it has been a battle every since !! He had and possible has strong feelings for me but this thing ….. this SOUL TIE that happened scared him worst then it scared me ….. 

 STRONG EMOTIONAL TIES …. That created in me unreasonable actions, reactions and motives …. That have driven me to extremes and lows and highs that have even frightened me! 

    AND NOW AS I AWAKEN AND MY SPIRITUAL EYES BECOME OPEN …… I see this as it is …. But the Soul Tie is there, strong ….. strongly bound and tied to Dale. There is this love for that man that has rooted so deep into my being it is un-nerving to say the least. AND DALE? ….Dale is trying to figure out how to untie me …. And now I am trying to figure out how to untie Dale because of the love I have for him and I am seeing that this is hurting him and I desperately want to loosen him ….. and the pain and emotional chains that I have attached are like Trumpet Vines and Kudzu Vines …. They are torn out in one place and grow in ten more …. And grow faster then I can keep up. 

Florence Nightingale Syndrome … All Things Familiar 

     Florence Nightingale Syndrome: … This is a “happening” that takes place when someone rescues you, “saves your life” as speaking in the natural realm or even emotional realm. When you are blind or blindsided and are drowning and someone reaches out and grasp your hand and pulls you out you develop strong feelings for the one that rescued you. For me that someone was Dale. ….. 

    All Things Familiar: …. This is when physically nothing seems to have changed because your surroundings are the same … the familiar-ness of everything creates a false sense of where you are …. And conflicts with the Florence Nightingale Syndrome. … Lee was the “All Things Familiar”

     The conflict inside me over the last year was mainly these two humans in my life …. My growing love for Dale and my growing disrespect and despise for Lee. 

Suddenly Unexpected Crossroads and Emotions .... THREE

A SURRENDER DAY
 ... Wednesday May 2nd 2018 ..... Up at 6AM and not feeling well at all .... SIGH!! Battling anger not just a ho-hum anger but a deep burning rage anger ...... at myself .... Biblically it's called my flesh .... and I am enraged at myself for my lack of self control .... and my addiction to SUGAR ... it is not my friend by any means!! ... It is my absurd idiocy of thinking I can eat sweets like a 5 year old and not suffer the consequences ...... I have been in a PANDEMONIAC slide for days .... binge and get angry ... binge and get sick .... binge and feel depressed ..... YIKES!! .....
    Woke up this morning and the battle was on ...... Then God stepped in ......no lightening bolt revelations, no fireworks, no burning bushes, just this tiny quiet still voice like a quiet babbling brook that is slowly trickling over the stones in an ancient stream. He held His hand out and without a word I knew it was time to hand IT ALL OVER TO HIM!! So the hand off began ..... Then He said hand over your coffee too and your chocolate ...... I muttered .... I sputtered I cough and gag .... I hesitated, but .. only for a split second ..... I knew this opportunity may never come my way again ..... you see God has tried to get me to hand over things in my life .... time and time again .... FEAR and PRIDE were my constant hinderances .... I knew I could handle this stuff  ..... so on I went down my road of life ..... believing a lie from hell ...... THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES when you think you are better equipped then God to handle anything ... ANYTHING  .... your life has to offer, anything that comes your way even those good or awesome things .... Without God in control "ME" as a imperfect faulty human being is going to screw up at some point something ..... So this Wednesday morning @ 6AM I just handed it all over to God ..... and then He did this amazing God thing that only God can do ..... He opened my eyes to some awesome truths .... I am not even sure if I can yet convey or express what I was shown ..... AND there was no trumpets blaring, no hands clapping, no thunder as I handed ALL over to Him .... just this deep sense of PEACE and quiet.
     THE "ALL" HANDED OVER WALK ..... He showed me it isn't what the lies from hell make it out to be .... He showed me the truth .... It is first class protection 100% covered by God, totally under His wings .... Totally covered .... it is walking in PEACE and knowing God has my back .....
    SOME TRUTHS IF YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD ..... #1) God already knows everything you do anyway ..... #2) he loves you more then you will ever conceive #3) He wants the BEST of everything for you .... Vs .... you settling for scraps and second best when you do it by yourself .... #4) He cares about even the tiniest molecule of a decision you need to make about the most insignificant things in your life #5) He wants to be a part of everything and involved in your life to the max #6) What He has I store for you and what you think He has in store for you is as different as a outhouse and a mansion!! #7) Letting go is an eye opener to truths that set you free #8) When you are truly free you are free indeed !!

Suddenly Unexpected Crossroads and Emotions ... TWO

GOD - FREEWILL AND  CONTROL ....
 It's amazing how suddenly and unexpected things come at you and through twists and turns during your day. You head to what you expect to be an uneventful part of your day or evening in this case ... Midweek Bible Study ... our pastor is covering biblical history .... I love history so I am enjoying this particular study. Nothing monumental, nothing over exciting .... just covering history .... We are at the end of the evening study ..... and one of the elderly gentlemen that attend starts to ask questions ..... "what makes satan so mean?" .... "If God's in control why did satan rebel?" "Do you think satan can be saved?"  ..... my brain is trying to wrap around these questions .... This isn't the first time he has ask these ... but I know if I answer he won't listen .... the first time I encountered these questions from him was about a year ago and I did try to answer and he ignored me as if I had never spoke ...... 
   I came home that evening with the answer still burning in my brain and on my tongue ..... So I decided to send the answer to my pastor ..... so here's what I wrote ..... I wanted to respond to "Mr." but I didn't .... the answer to his question is FREEWILL. I believe God made every living creature with FREEWILL. (not to be confused with survival instincts blessed on all in the animal, bird, bug and fish realm) FREEWILL had to be given in order for God to stay true to His own nature & who He is. Difficult for us as finite conditional humans to grasp but nonetheless less we all have FREEWILL, angels and celestial beings included. Based simply on Genesis 1:26 and (of course lots of other stuff in the Bible too) and my personal relationship with Him ...... and yes ... God is in CONTROL but not in the sense us humans perceive and practice "CONTROL" .... it is totally connected to His perfect character & will and when God is in total CONTROL we only have a tiny fraction of a concept, compared to His infinite being and who He is. We try to shove, cram, and fit God into this tiny framed BOX of our thinking when He is unfathomable! .....hope this makes sense ..

Suddenly Unexpected Crossroads and Emotions ..... One

A lot has been happening ..... compressed in a nut shell ..... emotions have changed, life's journeys have taken some unexpected turns, friendships and aquaintances have changed, the way I view life and things I do .... I guess the best way is to meander down the dusty trail called my life and shake off old dust and get on with my journey. .... The best place to always start is "RIGHT NOW" .... which is May 5th 2018 @3:16PM .... and today my rattler was : .... called my BF ... sharing with her my day, and that I would possibly be heading her way .... I had been doing a deep cleaning of my kitchen and area .... I also had made 2 loaves of Keto bread .... (my second attempt ... first attempt, made one loaf and it was ok ... I ate it, but it needed some tweaking .... ) This batch tastes pretty good .... anyway ... I was going to take a few slices to her for them to try ... But shared with her what I had accomplished while doing my deep cleaning .... I had threw away all my old flour ... between the old 100% wheat flour being being buggy and the corn meal being rancid .. from age & lack of use ... I just threw everything away except my new gluten free flour which I had purchased 2 weeks ago. And a small newer bag of flour I had bought a couple months ago and it had been in a container. .... Her "priceless response" ?? "gag gag Please don't bother bringing me over any of the bread you made the thought of you having buggy flour just made me gag!!!   .... "say what?" (this was a thought and not a verbal expression") .... my verbal response was " I made the bread with new flour I just bought." she insisted she didn't want to try any bread from my house ..... OK ... SO HERE IS MY TAKE ON THIS WHOLE LITTLE SCENARIO ..... my thoughts erupted ... like wild fire .... EXCUSE ME!! DO THINK THINK I AM A BLOOMING IDIOT WHO USED BUGGY FLOUR AND RANCID FLOUR TO MAKE 2 LOAVES OF BREAD?? this bread is very very expensive to make!! each loaf probably costs me about $4.00 to $5.00 to make ..... (remember this is just my thoughts .... I was my polite self and said I needed to get going and hung up. That's her BIG ISSUE she thinks she is God's gift of intelligence to mankind and everyone is beneath her HIGH AND MIGHTY ENTITLED PRINCESS arrssss!!! (sorry about the "arrsss" word but can't think of anything else to use ..... ) she has treated her husband like he is a blooming idiot for years and just about everyone else too .... I have just been to ..... to ..... to much enjoying the benefit of her "delicacies" so to speak. ..... Ok I need to explain a bit here .... her place is beautiful .... she is a "Interior and Exterior" designer by heart and nature ... everything she touches she turns into an OASIS OF BEAUTY and a work of art. BUT SHE TREATS PEOPLE like they are stupid and she tolerates them and indulges them in her almighty presence and we should be grateful. THIS IS HORRIBLE!! I have stayed her friend because .... because .... because I needed someone to call my friend .... but I can not and will not @ 63 years of age any longer DO THIS ..... (oh and by the way .... then she adds "she thinks the growth inside her is some parasite she contracted from her cat that she had for years and years, that use to climb in her tub and drink water  and she never washed the tub out with Clorox and now she has had some parasite crawl up into her body ..... SAY WHAT???? )
... my brain is overcome with the reality and truth about her ..... sigh!! and I am again feeling "down' to have to face this ..... this "K N O W" about her ..... to grasp a bit further .... she has sent her husband to the free food places to get food .... she refuses to go because it is beneath her dignity and her PRIDE to be seen in such a place!! SAY WHAT?? if you have a true need ..thats what it is there for!! ... ARRRGGHH!!!

Overwhelmed to Overcomer Chapter Eight

OVERCOMING .... September 4th 2017
    Been a long road of self delusions, hard headedness, stubborn pride, and just plain orneriness .... that has finally brought me to my senses .... so to speak .... Not exactly the road I would suggest to anyone .... a bit hard on myself ... YEP ... had to be!! but oh .. the lessons that have been learned, climbing this mountain of SELF .... facing the giants of MY Own BAD ATTITUDES .... again not a suggested way to travel .... BUT all I can say is GOD HAS BEEN SO GOOD TO ME!!
 
    Today I sit in my almost finished space ... my own room, need another sheet of OSB board for my floor ...
 ... after thoughts that tie in with Chapter #7 ..... As Susie's Demtenia progresses we face what to do in this situation .... her rent is helping finance the second mortgage, and quite frankly my finances are not too bad but with the needs we have had .... her rent $$ has helped ... But we needed to combine our 2 mortgages and get some money for a leaking roof that is 25 years old .... and the insatllation of a "DISH" satillite with no CAULKING magnifed the leakage 10 fold with no recourse from DISH NETWORK!! When we changed satillite companies to HUGHES NETWORK they discovered this nasty gift DISH installers had given us ..... anyway .... went to the bank .... did a plethora of paperwork ..... when the Appraiser came .... SIGH ... he was bitten on the back by a spider in our backyard .... I felt sorry for him ... and to be honest I wasn't actually ready but I wanted to get this over with so .... IN he came .....
    The bank denied us on my poor housekeeping .... yep .... I have to be honest ... I was physically and mentally exhausted from everything and did not have the energy to "clean up the junk look" Oh ... my laundry was done and the dishes were all clean, the floors were swept & mopped ... and things were straightened up .... but ... the clutter was here and there and every where .... and YES I WAS ANGRY!! how dare he judge on what's in my house ..... SIDE NOTE to add .... our riding lawn mower of about 10 years had just died and we had a push mower  ..... (that was the original purpose of bringing in Missy "K" and letting her IDIOT visit ... keep the lawn mowed once a week for rent on the camper) .... That didn't last long .... and yes it was HOT & MUGGY OUT with high HUMIDITY!! .... So the weeds over-ran, the grass continued to grow and poison ivy continued to  climb all over the place ... (Now, not only I am horribly allergic to it so is hubby) .... and we are wore out!! 
     So decisions, decisions, decisions ..... where is the money coming from to fix the roof ... ??
UPDATE MAY 5TH 2018 ......
      the roof is fixed ..... the road to it being fixed was a journey of fine patient waiting and seeking.I began looking at different roofing companies and checking out if there was one that financed roofing .... I finally located one out of Louisville .... called Louisville Roofing ... the process was they came and talked to us, measured the roof, ask about gutters and we signed papers ..... On January 19th 2018 they came and did our roof .... a few minor events and details had to be worked out and I was concerned about the earliness of the season installing shingles .... BUT all in all I am hopeful that all will turn out Ok. ....

Life's Suddenly's teach a dear lesson ....

Had another layer of Spiritual awakening .... "3 Liquor Bottles" ... Saturday I decided to cook the beef roast I had bought in the crock pot .... I had straightened up a bit more of my room and sat the "3 Amigos" behind my bedroom door .....  "Unforgiveness, Anger & Stubborn Pride" actually 3 liquor bottles of Vodka, Tequila, and American Honey Whiskey,... that a Miss" D" had drank when they were almost new bottles then had poured water in them to make them appear full again ..... about $125.00 worth of liquor!! I was not a happy person, she had ruined 3 expensive bottles of drink and they were totally unusable!! So several years down the road of harboring this resentment and anger at her for her stupidity and gross unacceptable behavior ..... and every time I looked at these bottles it rose up again .... I came to Saturday and my roast .... God had me dump all 3 bottles in the roast ... plus some Worcestershire sauce and about a cup of brown sugar ..... AND I THREW THE BOTTLES AWAY!! What a release"!! .... ( on March 2nd Pastor preached on unforgiveness ) I didn't feel there was ANY OF THAT IN MY LIFE!! .. Yesterday guess who contacted me via Messenger .... ??? Miss "D".... we texted for about an hour or so ..... there is a VERY DEEP SPIRITUAL thing with forgiveness ... that runs much deeper then we realize as Christians ..... when we harbor unforgiveness as a Christian .... We tie God's hands !! OH not on God's part so to speak but as a Gentleman and as a Father He respects our emotions and our choices .... will keep His hands off a situation .... so lesson learned !! I am going to diligently search out my life for any harbored unforgiveness and resentments ... no matter how justifiable they are ... or how petty they seem to me ..... I do not want to hinder my Heavenly Father when I need Him to work in my Prayer Life and I am tying His hands with anger, resentment and unforgiveness that I am harboring, nurturing and protecting like a favorite toy on a shelf!!