On July 19 2018 or somewhere maybe a month or so prior to this date I began to experience physical symptoms that manifested on July 19th as a full blown nervous breakdown.
The following journal is being wrote almost a year later as I try to come to grips and peace with what took place.
June 22 2019
WHAT HOPE MEANT FOR ME ….
I have been walking through emotional deeply pitted valleys with high steep mountainous ranges for about a year now. Before this part of my journey began, I had spent a large portion of my lifetime and season with my FOCUS, THOUGHT PROCESSES, PURPOSE IN LFE, AND DRIVE .. surrounded by “loved ones, family, and friends.
Through a series of choices I made and was made for me ….. Through a series of happenings, events, circumstances and problems I began to lose my grip on reality. Nothing notable at first but as it grew in momentum I was blinded by my own grief and sadness.
I was made with “The Expector Factor” this is a high type of hope one lives with, runs on and focuses with.
This is an invisible antenna that was / is worn within the body and brain area …. It is a way of life, a way of thinking, a way of believing. People with the “Expector Factor” thrives on HOPE!
It is living with your eyes in “microscope mode” on every situation an seeing it as a possibility. It is believing in people and comes with a desire to always see the good in them. To always want to and desire to offer help and assistance to anyone you come into contact with. “The Microscope Mode FACTOR” is continually looking for things you want to exist, for things you believe deeply is there. It is continually looking, reaching and moving in the direction of your dreams and hearts desires. It is setting goals and boundary lines to obtain ….. It is believing you can move mountains with your faith.
WHEN THIS THING CALLED HOPE GETS RIPPED OUT OF YOU ….
My life consisted of “MY PAST”, “MY PRESENT”and “MY FUTURE” …. Somewhere in the course of things an EMOTIONAL tsunami hit me …. What ended up was a jumble of “PAST, PRESENT, and FUTURE all mixed up and intertwined with no defining lines. When the EMOTIONAL TSUNAMI hit it drove, shook, ripped, tore and removed all PAST, PRESENT & FUTURE THOUGHTS, IDEAS, IDEALS, MOTIVES, ATTITUDES AND DREAMS I ever had. I was unable to grasp where I was and who I was, I was unable to see through the MICROSCOPE any longer because it was totally and completely gone. I had lost my vision both spiritually and” humanly”, my rock, my steady place, my safe place was gone! I was floating through tumultuous waters from the EMOTIONAL TSNUNAMI …. Being tossed and thrown every which direction. I was being slammed with emotional baggage of large proportions from my past, presence and future THAT HAD BEEN RIPPED AND TORN LOOSE … with no seeming escape. ……. AND THAN ….. I saw him …. This hand, this sweet smile, this person standing with their hand out reaching for me FROM A SOLID PIECE OF GROUND …… I grasp onto that hand with everything I had ….. as I climbed up out of the EMOTIONAL MUDDY TUMULTUOUS WATERS FROM THE TSNUNAMI …. I wrapped my arms around this person and clung to him with everything I had …….
THE MAN STANDING ON SOLID GROUND ….
In the EMOTIONAL Tsunami I had lost everything, I had lost my direction, my view, my beliefs were torn away, my emotions were scrambled, and who I was, was gone … crawling up out of the muddy swirling waters was an empty shell of a person who was happy to have survived, who was happy to see a smiling face, a friendly hand, and a SAFE PLACE out of the waters. This man became my rock, my safe place my new focus. This man had a name …. “Dale” ….. as the tsunami waters settled and the winds died down and everything I had known was gone … he stood there and held me firmly and with a strength I had no memory of ever experiencing before. It was all new and it made me feel secure and safe.
(My first recollectionsof being out of the waters wasone evening …. It was the first time I cut Dale’s hair what happen was I felt safe and I realized I was smiling and felt happy for the first time I could remember)
CHANGES AND EXCHANGES THAT HAPPENED
There were fleeting thoughts those first moments as I crawled out of those swirling waters …. Small microscopic memories of the past … but lost to an amnesia type state of mind …. BUT … as I began to focus and feel safe …. VERY SAFE …. With this man whose hand pulled me out and held me firm upon this solid ground …. I buried my head in his form and clung with everything I had. …… This is all hind sight what I am going to write …from here for a bit …. In the Emotional Tsunami that had hit me was lost my lifeline and secure SPIRITUAL beliefs! …. God tried to reach me and was in fact there with His hand out too … right beside Dale ... But tsunami had ripped from me all spiritual eyesight also ….. I was blinded by pain, fears, and frightening emotional upheavals that left me vulnerable and wide open prior to the EMOTIONAL TSNUNAMI that was coming. … When Icrawled out of those swirling emotions and placed my hand in Dale’s I did not see Jesus standing there with His hand ready for me to take …. I saw Dale. When you loose your spiritual eyesight you are unable to see into the supernatural and often you are unable to feel the supernatural. You become focused on the solid matter of forms and things about you ….. I saw Dale as I crawled out of those muddy swirling waters he was there and he was real and I could feel him and grasp him. Survivalis a strange thing if you have never experienced it before …. It comes with its own set of rules, views, and eyes.
HIND SIGHT THEY SAY IS 20/20
I SAW DALE!! …. I clung to this man … I am positive he had no idea who was crawling out of those “waters” except he saw a woman who was reaching for someone’s hand, and there he stood alone and was happy to see another human being …. So, he reached out and she grabbed his hand and pulled herself out of the EMOTIONALLY SWIRLING WATERS and clung to him and he held her. He had “no idea where she had come from” ( physically he knew who I was but emotionally he didn’t have a clue) … all he was concerned was he had helped someone and they were there …
And … there Jesus stood …. Waiting watching as she clung to the human and did not even see Him …. He had always been her rock, her safe place her go to for everything. ….. AND SHE DIDN’T SEE HIM!! She appeared blinded from the storm’s effects.
She had always had deep spiritual insight and eyesight but the Tsunami had torn everything from her. Her human was all she could see. He was human and he was solid matter she could grasp and hold. And he had compassion on her and quickly had feelings for her as she clung to him. She had lost her MICROSOPE that she was use to looking through, she had lost her spiritual eyes to see Jesus; they were covered in debris and mud and she didn’t even know they existed anymore at that point
WHEN YOUR VISION SEES WHAT IS THERE ….
FOR ALMOST A YEAR IT HAS BEEN DALE!! …… my spiritual vision is slowly coming back …. BUT … I have been attached to Dale for so long I have grown a SOUL TIE with him …. At best all I can explain is every breathe, every thought, every waking moment Dale is in my heart, head and being …. I crave Dale as much as I crave food, drink and air. ….. This scared Dale terrible and it has been a battle every since !! He had and possible has strong feelings for me but this thing ….. this SOUL TIE that happened scared him worst then it scared me …..
STRONG EMOTIONAL TIES …. That created in me unreasonable actions, reactions and motives …. That have driven me to extremes and lows and highs that have even frightened me!
AND NOW AS I AWAKEN AND MY SPIRITUAL EYES BECOME OPEN …… I see this as it is …. But the Soul Tie is there, strong ….. strongly bound and tied to Dale. There is this love for that man that has rooted so deep into my being it is un-nerving to say the least. AND DALE? ….Dale is trying to figure out how to untie me …. And now I am trying to figure out how to untie Dale because of the love I have for him and I am seeing that this is hurting him and I desperately want to loosen him ….. and the pain and emotional chains that I have attached are like Trumpet Vines and Kudzu Vines …. They are torn out in one place and grow in ten more …. And grow faster then I can keep up.
Florence Nightingale Syndrome … All Things Familiar
Florence Nightingale Syndrome: … This is a “happening” that takes place when someone rescues you, “saves your life” as speaking in the natural realm or even emotional realm. When you are blind or blindsided and are drowning and someone reaches out and grasp your hand and pulls you out you develop strong feelings for the one that rescued you. For me that someone was Dale. …..
All Things Familiar: …. This is when physically nothing seems to have changed because your surroundings are the same … the familiar-ness of everything creates a false sense of where you are …. And conflicts with the Florence Nightingale Syndrome. … Lee was the “All Things Familiar”
The conflict inside me over the last year was mainly these two humans in my life …. My growing love for Dale and my growing disrespect and despise for Lee.
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